Stop That Trend!

The Matron is alarmed! Horrified. Unable to contain herself -- or sleep, even. This is a serious situation, friends.

When the Matron was a Wee Miss and even a Young Lass, she considered Orphanage Director to be the perfect occupation! The Orphanage Director would have no actual contact with small children, mind you, but would get to name those children -- hundreds of them!

Wee Miss could never imagine settling on a single name, because so many were so beautiful! The Matronly memory mangles much, but Felicity, Hope, Charity, Elizabeth, Stephanie, Victoria and Virginia stand out as being popular among the orphans. Boys were Benjamin, Frederick, Oscar, Bobby, Edward or Lance. Yes, Lance.

Throughout her life, the Matron has always felt that her name belies: she is far more singular than, say, Mary. Indeed, when the unmarried and unfettered Young Miss changed her last name at age 19 for complex reasons, she considered changing her first! To Madison. But she didn't (thank you, God-Oprah for not letting her pick a name soon to be as popular as the old shoe she already had and if your daughter bears that name, know the Matron still likes it, very much!).

So when the Matron became pregnant, she determined that the child's name should sparkle and shine -- stand out as the singular creatures he would be. Yet she didn't want anything obviously made up, like shoving together John & Mary for Jomary or concocting Lilliannaloubella or Frehenry.

If your children bear either of the three names above and you are offended, the Matron is very sorry (for the offspring).

Naming Stryker after the street on which he was conceived not only made perfect sense (at least to his parents) but also met the Singularity Criteria. To be safe, the Matron entered "Stryker" on the Social Security list of top baby names. Never once in 100 years has that name been in the top 1000. The Matron felt safe!

But look what is happening to her daughter!!!

Popularity of the female name Scarlett

Year of birth	Rank
2007	219
2006	297
2005	423
2004	527
2003	762
2002	806
2001	939
2000	941
1999	877
1998	834
1997	884
1996	816
1995	751
1994	850
1993	807
1992	949

When the Matron selected the name 'Scarlett' in 1998, she was not pleased that the name was in the top thousand at all - but at 834, the Matron felt the selection was safe. She checked out all other names in the 800's and was pleased to realize that she rarely, if ever, met any of their actual acquaintance: Valentina, Kinsey, Darlene, Emerald or Jill.

Merrick does not enter the top 1000 names, not once in the past 100 years. The Matron knows this for sure, because she just double-checked! History might rewrite itself if she's not watching. She must be on top of all situations, at all times.

The Matron blames Scarlett Johanson for this current issue. Scarlett!! Stop being so damn cute, with those lips and that impossible body and those incredible acting skills. Get Thee away from the cultural psyche! Can't you develop a drug problem like all of your famous twentysomething female acting peers? Maybe a career switch to something less visible, like Walgreen's cashier?

As long as she is wagging her finger-- Ellen! Why did you have to go pick a Stryker to put on national TV? The Matron would like to remind the planet that this man's first name is actually Ted. But, as of 1 pm Central Standard Time on a Tuesday afternoon in Minnesota, Stryker still has not appeared in the list of the top thousand most popular names in 100 years.

The Matron must be in control of all situations at all times (not that she has issues) so she cannot bear that she appears to have absolutely no control over the slow slide of Scarlett up that list.

Mrs. G? If Oprah calls you, please tell her to head over here next. She must ban the use of Scarlett, real quick.

Monday Morning Is The New Friday Night

And not just because the children are in school!

Because at least two Monday mornings a month, the Matron experiences Nirvana, which arrives in the gritty form of ValuThrift.

Yes. That is Value without the 'e' and thrift, altogether. Clever, those folks!

The Matron has fawned and fainted over this store before. But after yesterday's travel marathon, ValuThrift became a necessity. You see, some frazzled Mamas eat ice cream or chips to blow off stress. Others might shop Retail. The Matron? She cruises ValuThrift. You get to BINGE with no adverse side effects!

Mondays are 25% off ValuThrift, which is an already base-rate thrift store, a for-profity entity with clean bathrooms, dressing rooms and not one employee who speaks English (The Matron has tested this observation and is completely fine with those statistics!).

Today, the frazzled Matron spent $22 for this $298. Coach purse -- in perfect, lush condition.


Altogether--between two pairs of capris for Scarlett, sweatshirt for Merrick, Tommy Hilfiger jeans and shorts for Stryker, Levi's for Stryker, FOUR Ann Taylor and Eileen Fischer ensembles for the Matron and a kick-ass JJ Jill dress, two pair of cheapo Merrick pants and the gem below -- the Matron spent $52.

And $48was the original cost of this:


Now, let us digress to the Matron's feeble photography skills. She staged this photo! Selected a black backdrop and -- planned! Managed light and sun and angle. You judge the result. And this desperate second shot?


So this is a stunning necklace with the Chico $48 price tag still attached that was part of the Matron's $52 haul. She spent FOUR more dollars than the original price of this necklace for all that stash. She understands her great good thrifty luck!! The photos do not do this justice.

But if she was in charge of photography? You'd be booking air fare for next Monday's 25% discount at ValuThrift.

Later, the Matron spent one hour in the rain watching Merrick's T-Ball game. This is not a sport event, but comic relief. Speaking of which, more on that, tomorrow.

At Your (and the rest of Humanity's) Service

Yes, the Matron spent Friday weeping as her son exited elementary school. This is how ordinary, how circumspect her child appeared.


See how everyone else is wearing a top hat?




Today, the Matron spent her day contributing to the Saudi oil economy.

Well, most of it. She tossed in a little bit of this, for spice and sass:

Ring! Ring! Ring! This is the telephone at 7:15 a. (#$#%^^$^) m. on a Sunday morning. A parent who also has a child performing at SteppingStone Theater who wants the full scoop on a morning parade in which the actors are walking - which starts at 10.

The Matron filled in this parent--here's the starting time, the location, the duration, the end game and all the players and their clothing sizes--and wondered once again what neon sign (CALL ME I WILL HELP YOU WHEN IT IS WILDLY INCONVENIENT) she was wearing.

The parent said this: "Oh, I know it's way too early to call!"

Yes! So why are you?

Those of you living in Norway, Hell, or even, say New York or Minneapolis, who are planning to track down the Matron and phone her should know that--aside from lice infestation or the discovery that Vampires actually exist --one thing terrifies her beyond all else: the early morning call.

Yes, she can run 6 miles and clean up voluminous doggie doo, but she cannot communicate with grace until she has ingested coffee and calorie. And she actually wasn't at all gracious this morning (sorry, parent, but if you go online you see the parade doesn't start till 10 and maybe even an 8:00 phone call would do and even that is too early).

So the Matron was crabby.

Bent on insuring that she cannot afford to retire until she is 97, at another early hour the Matron hopped in her van and drove Stryker to a morning baseball game in a suburb half an hour away.
Then, the Matron drove home, grabbed Scarlett and brought her to the parade. Seeing that the theater company had fewer water bottles than children, the Matron ran to a store and purchased more -- the unsolicited sort of assistance which she does not mind, one wit.

Soon, she drove to the suburb again in order to retrieve Stryker for his 1:00 call at SteppingStone (back to St. Paul) , where he is both Student Stage Manager and Baby Snake (on stage! he's the understudy, called up!).

Immediately upon returning home with Merrick, that child's friend -- who lives just two blocks from SteppingStone --confirmed an immediate playdate which the Matron (never mind Merrick) very much needed.

She drove right back from whence she came, deployed Merrick, and zoomed home to spend one hour cleaning up the mess that one morning of regular family life had made before heading back to SteppingStone to get Stryker to go BACK to the suburb for the tournament.

Alas, the game -- vying for the 3rd place trophy --started at the very same time the final performance of Anansi The Trickster Spider ended! The coach called her cell - in order to play, Stryker had to be there when up to bat. His team was up first! Stryker was the last in the order -- but! Hurry!

Odds against her, she went five miles over the speed limit (wild one!) and prayed for the best. The two-minute cell phone updates from parents in the stands looked grim! Stryker was screaming: "OH MY GOD. I CANNOT MISS THIS GAME. I WILL NOT SURVIVE!" For half an hour.

And as the Matron screeched up next to the dugout, the coach screamed: "OH MY GOD. STRYKER YOU ARE UP!" The boy lurched from the van, someone threw a helmet and bat at him and the Matron let the rest of the sweat pour down her back. Sweat is the new shower.

Then, while watching this nerve-shattering game, the Matron had the horrifying realization that she forgot Scarlett!!! The actors had a one hour work obligation after the show: the Matron was with Stryker but Scarlett was at SteppingStone and needed a ride --somewhere?!

So she became the VERY parent that annoys and begged someone else to care for and transport her child, at the last inconvenient and emergency minute.

Remember how great baseball season is going, bench time and right field, all that?

Stryker hit a triple! Then, at the bottom of the final inning with bases loaded, the other team up, two outs and a score of 3/3, Stryker caught a tremendously high, hugely alarming fly ball and sent the game into extra innings!!

Thus far, Stryker has not caught one damn thing. Not even grounders, wobbling along at 1 mile per month. Not a virus, not a hot dog in a basket. He drops balls that aren't even moving. After the Matron's heart rebooted, she got on her knees and praised The Powers That Be (God, Allah, Buddha, Mother Nature and Oprah): "Oh My Oprah! Thank you for not letting my child drop that ball!"

The team went on to win third place which includes medals!

Spent, the Matron drove back to St. Paul, picked up Merrick, went somewhere else to retrieve Scarlett and finally limped home where upon she unlocked the front door and Stryker said: "When's dinner? I'm starving!"

Monday morning when the children are in school? It's the Matron's Friday night.

End of The Road(s)

Anansi the Trickster Spider closes on Sunday.

Scarlett plays a weasel in this production. She was well-cast! Looks quite weasely, on stage, thinks the Matron. It is a small role, but Scarlett also understudies both female leads.

Twice--once during rehearsals and the day the show opened -- the Matron made this inquiry: "Scarlett? Do you know the lines for Rebecca and Carmen?"

Twice, the Matron was met with this: "Mom!"

The Matronly Stage Mother policy is to Leave The Entire Thing Alone, so that is just what she did.

Yesterday, SteppingStone Theatre called at 12:30 to let the Matron know that the girl who played Carmen was going home sick. Scarlett would be on stage in half an hour! The role of Carmen requires lots and lots of lines, constant stage presence and a hysterical song/dance solo that is a highlight of the show.

Now, the Matron could not recall one single moment her daughter put into practicing that role.

She immediately called John to inform him of the situation: "Omigod that child is going to be Carmen. Do you want to go to the theater and watch?"

John: "NO! I can't bear it!"

So the Matron dropped out of her busy day and scuttled over to SteppingStone theater where she watched her daughter do a damn fine job! She was shocked! Although Scarlett reported that she made many mistakes, from an audience perspective, the performance looked flawless.

The song and dance? Terrific! Where did the child learn that stuff? The hand motions, the legwork!? The Matron held her breath during Carmen's longer speeches, wherein the character summarizes the play's main dramas. Scarlett nailed it! The Matron has new respect for her daughter, who is either truly a pro or very damn quick on her feet. Either will serve her well.

Tonight, the entire female half of the cast is spending the night--here! Guess what nine-year old made flyers and arrangements, set up the entire thing? The Matron understands that her little apple did not fall far from the organized, and community-minded tree.

But the biggest end of the road? Today is Stryker's sixth grade graduation ceremony.

Her brainy boy? He requested a thin red tie and black top hat to wear at the event. Today, he left in black jeans, a black t-shirt and the hat/tie stuffed in his backpack.

The Matron plans to weep through the entire event. Indeed, she is so certain of this, that she warned her entire family so they could start being embarrassed, early.

She is so proud of her oldest, who went through seven successful years at that school without a single trip to the Principal's office. Indeed, he was a patrol guard, good citizen and gifted student.

Good-bye, darling elementary boy! Hello, junior high school.

Alas, the Matron recently reread Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions, in which she makes wry comment about junior high school as being a worse peril to her child than say, death.

That has the Matron worried!

Stereotypically, Matron

The Matron has, upon occasion, been accused of falling into certain Liberal Stereotypes -- you know, the bleeding heart with big biases and assumptions to which she is blind?

Just to keep those folks happy (she's so generous that way!), she occasionally admits to behavior and belief that fall--with staggering perfection --into said Blind Liberal Stereotype category.

So.

The Matron has long harbored a not-so-secret hope that one of her sons is gay!

She imagines all the lunching, shopping and gossiping she could do with an adult gay son, modeled after her very fine experiences with current adult friends, men she can consult on hair, wardrobe and celebrity footwear. A gay adult son would bring his boyfriend over for Sunday dinners and they would take the Matron to the theater, regularly!

She can just see those late night phone conversations and general dishing!

Now, when Stryker was three, he went through a brief dress and tight phase which the Matron heartily encouraged. She made sure there were bright cotton Hanna Anderson leg and dress wear in plentiful supply.

Imagine her disappointment when that phase not only ended, but was remembered with revulsion by her eldest - who gives not the tiniest teeniest indication that he swings toward the non-hetero.

Hope for Merrick was kindled by exactly one of these adult gay male friends! She and this friend, who has a strong psychic flair, went out for Thai food one night when the Matron was newly pregnant with Merrick -- so newly that she hadn't yet taken a test.

(see how much fun the Matron is having with an adult gay man? they are eating Pad Thai and gooey egg rolls, while having heartfelt conversation - about the Matron and her life, feelings and needs!)

The friend said: "Did you know you're pregnant? And it's a boy! Oh, and he's SO gay!"

The Matron felt like someone had just handed her that winning lottery ticket!!! And when Merrick turned out to be a boy, just as predicted, the Matron believed Fate sealed that deal.

Until she started to get to know Merrick.

The baseball playing, knee-scraping, clothes-ruining Merrick has given the Matron not a single indication that he might be gay. She had assumptions (okay, stereotypes) regarding this. For example, she initially anticipated that Merrick would play house and have tea parties. She imagines her future gay adult son would be reading books and painting. Perhaps taking a nature walk?

Instead, he is in a tree. High. And after that? He will be breaking windows or throwing a ball. Merrick wants to know if he can use power tools and ride a Harley.

Then, yesterday, the Matron was pulled aside by one of Merrick's teachers.

Teacher: "I hate to even say anything, because it's so cute. . . but, there have been rumors about Merrick kissing and today, I saw it. It's adorable, but: no kissing in school."

Now, the Matron's older children would never EVER kiss a school friend (would rather be stuffed in body bags, come to think of it) someone so this issue is new to her.

So she had this exchange with Merrick:

Matron: "Merrick, it's great that you love your friends, but you can't kiss them --especially at school."

Merrick: "I know, I know."

Matron: "Who did you kiss?"

Merrick: "Henry."

!

Matron: "Henry? Oh. Anybody else?"

Merrick: "Teddy."

Matron (detecting a pattern): "Hmmm. . . and?"

Merrick: "Gabe."

Hope! Rekindled.

What Mother Nature Gives Us

Given the Matron's unique weather history, she is doubly grateful that Sunday's tornadoes decided to skip her this time. She joins the rest of the state mourning for the family who lost their two-year old son to the weather.

Weather is dangerous stuff, folks. Toss an earthquake into that definition and the entire planet seems to be suffering, inordinately.

So much tragedy sobers. Maybe that's why the Matron has been doubly grateful for life's small beauties. Like Peace Day at her children's public Montessori School. Thursday looked like this:



This gym full of children? Friends, they stood up and waltzed, boy-girl, as a unit. The Matron was not the only parent choking back tears, it was just that damn sweet.




Here's the Visiting Artist who taught the children folk songs and dance for six weeks, culminating in Peace Day, a day long celebration of Peace. JJ Hill Montessori is an International Peace Site!

The Matron wanted to run into the bathroom and weep, just knowing this guy would be in the Hormonal Hell of Junior High School next year--perfectly timed to torture the perimenopausal Matron, who is riding her own interesting hormonal waves these days.


Merrick was crowned "King" in this classroom.



She watched her daughter dance.




And generally soaked in the beauty of all those children -- there were bagpipes and fiddlers and an eye-popping spring day!



What elementary school gets talent like Peter Ostroushko, the Prairie Home Companion regular?! The Matron found lots of excuses for hanging out, here:



An entire day spent at school also provided information about her youngest child that gave the Matron pause. Merrick is without question the Class Clown, the goof ball. He is also the only one of her children who was not reading (well, too) by age 5. She wonders if there's a connection.




Mother Nature has handed the Matron Spring! There's a sense of expansion and joy in the air! Gratitude, spring, the sobering reality of how tenuous this life is, how brief. Even Satan's Familiar rides the wave . .




She wishes each of you, your own beautiful spring ride (with no bad weather).

More On My Success, So Far

Friends, have you seen today's cover story about the perils of blogging in the New York Times Magazine?

It's worth the read, but the Matron could not move beyond the opening lines:

"Back in 2006, when I was 24, my life was cozy and safe. I had just been promoted to associate editor at the publishing house . . . . "

Pushing the ripe old age, of uh, what -- 27 -- Emily Gould has a Times cover story all about the troubles that followed her staggering success as a writer?

Late bloomers R Us, sighs the Matron.