Shhh: Don't Tell Anyone

The Matron's GUILTIEST pleasure is to work on on the elliptical machine while watching Ellen! Here's one of many examples why. Stay tuned in long enough for the actual song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oCkedzuwBk

Ellen? Ellen? Have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjCetlnmVGE

We're ready for that free trip to L.A. and fame?!

He's pretty talented too. And the UPS driver that came today? Knew Scruffy from youtube fame.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMl_1Uqqbk4

How She Looks Without Make-Up

Thanks Kathryn for posting this gem on facebook! Yes, the Matron ADORES facebook. Regular readers can find her there. Her last name is Petrie. Go ahead and say hi.

She just thought this little commercial was so dang funny she might move to London! The wit of those Brits! Enjoy!

What She's Worried About

Worried about global warming?

You and five million other people, including the non-believers who want to bop the supposedly lefties and all serious scientists on their warped heads and hang on for The Rapture. That's actually why we're heating up. That Rapture is serious heat.

Most people worry about the obvious. Global warming (is she or isn't she?). Or the war in Afghanistan, peace in the Middle East, domestic violence or Jon versus Kate (nobody seems to be much concerned about the 8).

The more eclectic among us? The Matron is worrying for you, sensitive friend.

Here's what's keeping her up at night.

The U.S Prison System. Things are not good, folks. Keep up this pace and many many low income men and men (and increasingly women) of color will be jailed instead of getting whatever else kind of help they need. Some scholars (Eric Schlosser also wrote Fast Food Nation) and activists have labelled our current system the Prison Industrial Complex. Worry about housing millions of human beings whose main problems are that they are A) not white B) poor and C) have substance abuse problems.

Lock 'em up and toss away the key!

The second thing that keeps her up at night are DIOXINS!!! These dirty little endocrine disruptors are just around every corner, in every bottle of water or can of beans, waiting to make your X hormone pretend it's a Y or otherwise Shake Rattle and Roll the delicate balance of the hormonal system. If you're not aware of Theo Colborn's work, better go here. You'll never microwave plastic again (Dear God-Buddha-Oprah-Universe-Allah DO NOT MICROWAVE PLASTIC).

The final thing that gives the Matron stomach-clenching, sweating chills of anxiety at night? Keen shoes. These are all ablaze in popularity, especially the loopy sandal sort. People! Are you visually impaired? These shoes are ugly. As in - ugh.

Comfort be damned. These are the most god-awful footwear the Matron has laid eyes on. Puh-leeze. Find some good boots, women.

Don't even get her going on keeping up with Michelle Obama's biceps.

So for those of you who just can't jump onto the global warming band wagon or who are so war-weary you can't worry there anymore, or who don't care that Donny Osmond is the new king of dance?

The Matron's got your back.

Hadron Collider, anyone?

Actual Conversation

Innocent as all get out, today the Matron decided to swing by her favorite bagel shop for carbohydrates, the perfect post-Turkey topping.

Besides the fact that there are nearly 700 calories in a single peanut butter cookie, the other thing she finds disturbing at her local Bruegger's is that the woman who's been working that counter for at least the past 18 (Lord help her, the Matron has been haunting that shop that long) years, is the Matron's EXACT age (a new number, still less than 50 but now a wee bit more than 45ish) and in all of those 18 years, has smiled a great big entirely toothless smile.

Too many peanut butter cookies, perhaps? Or another victim of the current health insurance system. . . . .

Every time the Matron chats with this woman, she wants to chat about free and reduced dental clinics or call her own dentist and ask if he'll donate time and material. But she reigns in the impulse and simply, makes small talk, while the woman bags up her bagels.

So she is ALREADY slightly uncomfortable always and forever, when she has this exchange today. Did she mention the other bothersome element is that they share an age?

Matron: "How are you today?"

Worker: "I'm tired. We had the big old dinner with all the relatives, and of course there was too much drinking and my cousin Frank got out of hand. The police were there within 5 minutes but the whole jail and hospital thing just dragged me out."

Matron: "Oh! Why, that sounds exhausting. Uh, 9 plain and 3 garlic bagels, please."

Worker (showing no sign of interest in picking up a bagel at all): "Of course, then my mother had her car repossessed on Wednesday so we had to take a bus and then depend on my daughter's boyfriend to get home after seeing to Uncle Tom at the hospital. Frank should know better than to wear brass knuckles with family. Good Lord."

Matron: "I'm glad your daughter has a boyfriend."

Worker: "Don't be. That low life hasn't had a job in the three years he's known my daughter and being a felon and all doesn't seem to have that much of a future. Free-loading on my daughter's job at the Goodwill."

At least the bagels are now nearly in a bag.

Matron (memory, ringing): "Oh. Didn't your daughter and this boyfriend have a baby? A girl?"

Worker: "Oh yes! My Brianna had a sweet little dwarf baby 17 months ago. Them dwarf babies are so teeny tiny, like dolls them dwarfs. Big heads, too."

Matron: "Dwarf baby?"

Worker: "You know, a dwarf baby like them Sleeping Beauty buddies but a girl and real. Big head, too. She is the teeniest tiniest thing, though. Brianna gets to sometimes bring her along to the Goodwill. That's a fun day because shoppers always enjoy a dwarf baby."

Merciful lord, but the Matron -- who was handed her bag and noted a listening customer standing beside her -- had absolutely no idea whatsoever how one should politely and appropriately respond to just this precise situation of the dwarf baby at all, let alone a dwarf baby on display at the Goodwill.

Buddha-Allah-God-Oprah-Universe help her: this is actually what came out of her mouth

"Little body, big heart!"

It wasn't even a question or quip but a command, as in Exit Strategy. With that pearl of wisdom launched, the Matron turned on a heel and scuttled out. So weak-kneed is she that the addition of a dwarf baby to the toothless worker's ensemble might just mean she either needs to find a new bagel location or add a whole new vocabulary to her bantering skills.

On Language

Two unrelated notes on language today.

First from The New York Times.

The Matron always reads Sunday's Vows with her morning oatmeal (okay - let's pause and consider oatmeal for a moment. This isn't just any oatmeal,people. You put in a handful of organic blueberries, a dollop of peanut butter and raisins -- now you're getting the picture).

But this Sunday's column on Laura Straus and John Alexander gave the Matron pause. In the midst of a long article on the couple--how they met and courted and wed - came this:

"Mr. Alexander . . . told of the trauma of having left his wife and family in June 2005."

The phrasing makes it clear--if decorous--that Daddy was the one who did the ditching. He bailed. And in that line ''having left his wife and family," the Matron could only feel the pull of their story -- the wife and children he left behind. The children (and she's assuming that family referred to that ilk rather than a dog) never make an appearance in the paper.

Here is the Matron, toasting the happy couple? Better yet, a nod to the people he left behind. HIS trauma? Indeed.

Second really wildly unrelated and probably less popular note on language! The Matron has recently been struck by difference in tone. She is not insinuating that everyone with these views uses these phrases but she is saying she HEARS them from some.

Baby Killer ----- or abortion rights activist?

GO HOME or Deport the Criminals --- or Comprehensive Immigration Reform

Socialized medicine or government takeover of health care -- or Comprehensive Health Care Reform.

We progressives need better language!! Active verbs, people!

There. Unrelated notes on language.

Nostalgia

When the Matron was a great big Wee Miss (12?) this was her theme song. The message seemed so revolutionary. Today's its simplicity, optimism and--well, single note --make her realize how far she's -- we've all -- come. And doesn't Helen look squeaky clean and full of good health? The times have changed in that regard, too. Madonna? Brittney?

As long as you're

A) on memory lane because you're in the same age range

B) getting a history lesson and your breasts are neither knee-length nor acorn bites

C) too old to remember the difference betweeen the breasts of your youth and the current saddle bags/twinkies

try this (she thinks) better version.

And What Are You Preparing for Dinner?

urban wildlife video shot by Stryker. . ..

Wherein She Recommends You Read Something Someone Else Penned: Heresy!

The Matron found herself quite taken by Sandra Tsing Loh's lament on marriage. Good relationships do indeed take work. Thanks, darling (because sometimes, but not always, her husband reads this blog).

Such inconsistency constitutes grounds for divorce, she's certain!

Seriously -- a very thoughtful piece decrying the modern marriage.

A Little Joy on Friday

Yes, a bit of joy. One life. Live, fully!

Seven Deadly Sins

The Matron is forever dropping the meme ball! She's been tagged a few times but has discovered she's thematically challenged.

But one of the Matron's favorite neighbors recently tossed her a little riff on the Seven Deadly Sins. Now that's a game she can play!

Here goes:

The meme is sinful: "Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don't tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each sin) and hope they can lie."

Pride

What is your biggest contribution to the world?

Envy

What do your coworkers have that you wish was yours?

Larger class sizes and more students!

Gluttony
What did you eat last night?

Excuse her while she removes that I.V. drip of chocolate from her vein. Uh, where were we?

Lust

What really lights your fire?

He'll keep the boots on and they'll have that exact audience.

Anger

What is the last thing that really pissed you off?

The Matron does not experience anger.

Greed

Name something you hoard and keep from others.

Secret super effective swine flu vaccine

Sloth

What is the laziest thing you ever did?

After the birth of her third child, the Matron alerted the hospital staff to the fact that she was staying in the hospital--and in bed-- as LONG as humanly (administratively) possible and then she handed the newborn to a nurse and asked for a sleeping pill.

True.

Let's see how Cheri, Jenn, Daisy, Ree, JCK, Sherry, and Suburban do. . . .

Is 80s Rock Even Legal Anymore?

Old enough to remember Bonnie Tyler and Total Eclipse of the Heart?   If you're wearing Depends, you will wet them.  This is a spoof from her 1984 performance at the Grammy's.  

There's a Little Bit of Us All in There, Sister

The Matron, while not this thoroughly unhappy, has her own flashes of malaise and is rather fond of adulation, which she heaps upon her own fine self if there's nobody around to help her.  

More coming later today but she is of the opinion that the Salon piece might interst her readers!

April 5th -- After? In the Midst of? A Long Long Cold Dark Winter

Die you bastard, die!

Bargain

And just think . . . all it took for the Young Miss's deflowering was wine.

To the Women of LifeTime Fitness

Actually, to the dozens and dozens of women in the very busy locker room of LifeTime Fitness today, who passed the Matron's mistakenly unlocked and WIDE open locker during the hour in which she was (blissfully unaware) working out --and who undoubtedly noticed cell, wallet and car keys nearly hanging out onto the floor (you think SHE would've noticed this) --and who all walked by without taking a single thing, not even a penny!!

She thanks you!

Addict

Several days ago, the Matron got serious about Facebook. Now she wonders if there is a 12 Step Program for social networking?

Junior High Fun

Last night, the Matron served as a Judge at the Junior High Science Fair. She read a dozen papers written by eighth graders. Ten would've earned high B's at her community college!!

Perhaps her favorite eighth grade reasoning moment was this analysis of the benefits/drawback of talk therapy versus medication for depression:

"The drawback to talk therapy is that it is very expensive. Talk therapy can be as much as $100 to $175 an hour and the hour is really only 50 minutes so there is that ten minute cost to consider. A pill works the whole hour."

What Will You Do?

This question frequently visits the Matron:

"What will you do with your one wild and precious life?"

This line from a Mary Oliver poem frequently compels the Matron to put away the Bon Ami and sponge and take a walk, read a book or write those 350 words of fiction a day.

Last week we marked the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination, and she's been thinking about how one man chose to spend his life --knowing full well the constant threat to that life's continued existence.

Three days after the assassination, Nina Simone wasn't sure she could go through with a scheduled Long Island concert. But she did, singing a 13 minute long tribute to Martin that her brother wrote.

The Matron's technological drool has become a small leech-infested lake (with trouts!), so instead of downloading the YouTube video, she must direct you to five recorded minutes of that song.

If you're at work, she recommends closing the door. There will be weeping.

The NPR story that tells the larger tale, here.

One wild and precious life. I hope we're each alive in ours, full throttle.

The Matron Need Never Blog Again

Because all of her readership --- that would mean you -- are now sated, pig-love-drunk, recovering slowly from that floor on the side of the bed, from this most guilty pleasure of all:

Jeannie Tate

The suburban soccer who interviews B-list celebrities in the back of her mini-van while running errands -- and supervising her junkie stepdaughter, who cannot be let alone for nanosecond, being a junkie and all that. There are the younger kids, the real celebs and the husband?

I'll let you enjoy that moment.

Each episode is just a few delicious addictive moments long.

No! It's not true. Jeannie is veteran actress Liz Cackowski. The Matron doesn't even care, it's that damn funny. Recommended by McSweeney's as the best next thing on the internet. You heard it here.

Really. It's better than Dooce and Her Bad Mother, combined, on their best days. Of course, the Derfwad Manor continues its command of the Planet. But if Jeannie wasn't fiction, she'd be giving Mrs. G. a run for her money.

Thanks, Emily!

Good Art Keeps the Matron Fighting

You know how that pimply guy bagging your groceries might be writing the next great American novel? How he might actually be amazing, the real deal and all that - and waaaaay richer than you someday?

Well.

Once a week, Raw Creative Power walks into our house and gives two of our children voice and piano lessons, as if she is ordinary flesh.

And her skin is crystal clear. Some people get all the cards.

About four times a week, I click and listen to the song Falling. And cry -- because I remember and Liz captures. Falling is like the third song down on the list. Not like I'm directing.

Now for the moment the Matron nails her argument! Liz recorded this using the mic on her laptop!! Jewell has technology but Liz . . . she's that bagger, only better.