Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What She's Worried About

Worried about global warming?

You and five million other people, including the non-believers who want to bop the supposedly lefties and all serious scientists on their warped heads and hang on for The Rapture. That's actually why we're heating up. That Rapture is serious heat.

Most people worry about the obvious. Global warming (is she or isn't she?). Or the war in Afghanistan, peace in the Middle East, domestic violence or Jon versus Kate (nobody seems to be much concerned about the 8).

The more eclectic among us? The Matron is worrying for you, sensitive friend.

Here's what's keeping her up at night.

The U.S Prison System. Things are not good, folks. Keep up this pace and many many low income men and men (and increasingly women) of color will be jailed instead of getting whatever else kind of help they need. Some scholars (Eric Schlosser also wrote Fast Food Nation) and activists have labelled our current system the Prison Industrial Complex. Worry about housing millions of human beings whose main problems are that they are A) not white B) poor and C) have substance abuse problems.

Lock 'em up and toss away the key!

The second thing that keeps her up at night are DIOXINS!!! These dirty little endocrine disruptors are just around every corner, in every bottle of water or can of beans, waiting to make your X hormone pretend it's a Y or otherwise Shake Rattle and Roll the delicate balance of the hormonal system. If you're not aware of Theo Colborn's work, better go here. You'll never microwave plastic again (Dear God-Buddha-Oprah-Universe-Allah DO NOT MICROWAVE PLASTIC).

The final thing that gives the Matron stomach-clenching, sweating chills of anxiety at night? Keen shoes. These are all ablaze in popularity, especially the loopy sandal sort. People! Are you visually impaired? These shoes are ugly. As in - ugh.

Comfort be damned. These are the most god-awful footwear the Matron has laid eyes on. Puh-leeze. Find some good boots, women.

Don't even get her going on keeping up with Michelle Obama's biceps.

So for those of you who just can't jump onto the global warming band wagon or who are so war-weary you can't worry there anymore, or who don't care that Donny Osmond is the new king of dance?

The Matron's got your back.

Hadron Collider, anyone?


racheld said...

Oh, Matron---someone we both know and love is quite fond of those shoes, and has had to withstand the onslaught of jeers and chides from her own mother on that front.

I pray you not to join the fray, please, no matter the impetus.

thank you kindly,

smalltownme said...

Those Keen shoes look like the Earth shoes that were, well, I wouldn't say popular, but available when I was in high school.

But I do care about Donny.

My word verification: brati. Bratty?

Becky Brown said...

Oh, sweet Matron. I love you. I do.

But, umm? Have you ever considered that Scarlett's flair for the dramatic might be ... at least a teensy bit ... genetic?


Not that I don't agree with you on everything, because I do. Especially the shoes.

smalltownme said...

P.S. Why does the Donny link go back to the Keen shoes? He wore better shoes than than on DWTS.

Anonymous said...

Actually, you live in a state that has a pretty good idea about the prison system. I heard an interview with a judge? attorney? prosecutor? don't remember. But she said that in MN, "We lock up the people we are scared of. We do not lock up the people we are mad at." That probably wouldn't work in a place where EVERYBODY is scary, though.

MidLifeMama said...

Seriously, those shoes are probably the most comfortable shoes EVER but I look like a updated garden gnome in them. And I am convinced that there will a giant black hole one day where that super collider currently resides, and the rest of us will be little bits of atomic material floating in an alternate universe when that thing finally goes kablam.

Rachelle said...

Well, if you're in the mood to worry, watch The Most Terrifying Video You'll Ever See, about global warming. It's good for at least an hour sitting in the closet, rocking back and forth and sucking your thumb!


Anonymous said...

No, Matron is NOT dramatic!
The prison system bothers me too. I'm not up at night about it, but I think it's a travesty. I have no comment on Keens because I've never tried them--I have been known to forsake style for comfort.

Lisa said...

Speaking of prison system, something that is worrying me is this morning on MPR I heard an interview that really scared me about the MN prison system. Turns out Pawlenty unallotted the $ that helps convicts receive their mental health drugs after they get out of prison. If this is what we are in for if he runs for president, this nation could be in real trouble!


Karen said...

Prisons - I'm with you. Dioxins - yup. But Keens? Sorry, I LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Their ugliness grows on you. I was a hater two years ago, too, but now? LOVE them. And now thanks to you, I need a new pair because when I clicked on the DONNY link (because I DO care about him being the Dance King) it took me to the new winter styles of Women's Keens ... which I had not seen before ... and now I NEED the Cheyenne Lace ones.

Robert Walker said...

Just found your blog! That photo at the top is stunning! I LOVE fall colors and I love reflections! Wow!

Ulrike said...

With you, Matron. With you.

Hadron Collider, Donny, Prisons, global warming..... sheeesh..

You are dramatic, but never OVER-dramatic.