Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Oh What A Beautiful Morning

And it is.

The Matron knows, because some weird hormonal, aging cocktail means she is only allowed five to six hours of sleep a night.

The 5:00 a.m. wake up call introduced a glorious day --and memories of yesterday's surreal trip to the University of Minnesota's Hospital and Clinic's emergency room.

After decades of bad teeth, the Matron's husband (John) -- can we just pause here to note how proper she is? New readers might not know that the husband is "John," so he must be introduced in paretheses. Love that! She's referenced these issues before and will do so again. If she wasn't so lazy, she'd link that reference.

Anyway, back to the point. Yesterday, John went to the U of MN School of Dentistry to inquire about the braces he should have gotten 30 years ago.

Waiting for said appintment, poor husband fell ill.

Staggered against a door. Required assistance from professionals. Endured indescribable stomach pain. Pale as a ghost. Was immediately carried to the Emergency Room.

Yours truly was headed to a sporting goods store with the younger two, in search of the perfect bathing suit, sandals and shorts for Saturday's summer vacation (more on that marathon later). Now, the perfect bathing suit, sandals and shorts would be for Scarlett. Let's just say that these are not easy to secure.

She got the call from the ER and immediately flipped about and soared there. John was in agony on a cot in a dreary room.

Merrick, en route to hospital: "Mama? I hate to say this, but the whole thing is VEWY exciting!"

No one, in the history of humans and hospitals, has ever had more fun in an emergency room than Merrick.

He got ice from the machine in the hallway. He moved the bed up and down. He navigated the lights. That child turned on the television, called for the nurse (without permission but oh, how they loved him), tested blood pressure (really, he watched and learned), used his Mama's cell phone, took temperatures, arm-wrestled anyone willing and made full and exotic use of the sink --with the ice from the hallway.

It's possible to spin 59 times in a row on the little doctor's stool. With an audience.

He also stood just outside the examining room -- room number 3 out of 17 -- to watch all the action, too. A county sheriff brought in a 'bad guy' which sent poor Merrick over the edge.

Merrick: "MOM DAD! The police are here with a huwt BAD GUY! He's in a LOCKED WOOM! Can I go in thewe?"

Friendly Nurse Who is Paying Attention: "Hey there buddy. Would you like a Popsicle instead?"

Merrick: "A WEAL Popsicle? YES!!"

He is so easy.

And John?


This from a woman who gave birth to three babies without pain medication, who has now stood by her mother's bedside for constipation (four days) and her husband's for bowel woes.

If there is a God, she is getting a really good spot in Heaven. Like the throne, with tiara and vodka.


smalltownme said...

I tend to wake at 4:30, but fortunately do not have the rest of your pain.

However, Merrick sounds like a totally delightful hospital companion.

Melinda said...

oh my! Thank you for sharing. I am in stiches, laughing. This makes my hard day seem like a piece of cake.

unmitigated me said...

GAS? Oh fer pity's sake. I was thinking kidney stone. Tell that man to butch up!

Anonymous said...

Gas! What a HOOT!
Love the thought of Merrick making himself happily at home in any location. The kid has a gift, well, many gifts. But one is seeing the potential of FUN!

Hez said...

MM you made my day! To funny! Love Merrick. I followed you from TWC...

Gail said...

OK, you can sit by my throne and I'll let you wear my second crown. (So many jewels in the first crown we had to start a second, as I'll never be able to hold my head up wearing the first.)

Jen on the Edge said...

I'm waking up at 5:30 every morning too. What gives?

I actually feel John's pain. Really and truly. Once about 13 years ago, I went through a spell of terrible constipation. (TMI, I know, but it's part of the story.) One day at work -- in fact, on the day of a MAJOR work function -- I was stricken with the worst stomach pains imaginable. Luckily, I worked at a private school, so someone helped me to the nurse's office. She immediately figured out that it was gas, which embarrassed me to no end. Unfortunately, my other issues were such that it took me a while to get things sorted out and I spent most of the day in great pain. Having since had two babies, I still rank that episode among the most painful things I've ever endured.

Karen said...

no one has mentioned karma? your previous post was on John getting all righteous on you, and SEE?

Laura said...

i feel John's pain. i suffer regular bouts of debilitating gas thanks to IBS. it's really bad when i can't breathe...which is every time it happens.

Anonymous said...

Sounded like quite a day for you all. Your son sounds delightfully adorable and a much better hospital companion than my constantly-texting sister.

Anonymous said...

I had such awful gas during pregnancies that I thought I was losing the baby.
Glad you had Merrick there to lighten the situation. Now I think I'll go join him with a Popsicle.

apathy lounge said...

I have difficulty summoning sympathy for other's low pain thresholds. A kidney stone, one miscarriage, three live births and an ulcer. I've seen it all, so talk to the hand Mr. Hangnail.

Ashley said...

Merrick sounds like my Rian.

He would have been over the moon on our trip to the ER a few years ago. A woman there for some sort of mental illness ran from her examination room, sprinted down the hall. The nurses in the hallway saw this and quickly grabbed a gurney and threw it in front of her to block her. The woman jumped OVER the gurney just like a hurdler but the nurses were on the other side and they pinned her.

Daisy said...

I'm having trouble keeping the grin off my face - but I'll do it, because otherwise I have to explain to my family (right now wrapped up in baseball) why this post is so hilarious!!