Friday, October 3, 2008

In the Flesh

The Matron doesn't just get dressed in the morning.

She snaps on the heavy artillery.

Now, the padded bra has changed her life. She went from appearing a washboard with two nipples attached to a woman with actual female breasts. Men routinely now tell her she looks 'fit.' Try fitted, darlings.

While picking up her offspring at the elementary school today, the Matron ran into a dear friend who was working her assets. Cleavage. And this mama was hot!

But wait. Merrick gave the Matron pause. He seemed to have undue fascination with the forementioned chest, his little head a tennis ball, back and forth, between the Matron and Hot Mama. He was not reading lips or otherwise following the conversation.

Could her kindergartener also be a breast man? Already?!

The Matron waved good-bye to her friend -- and while walking to the van was thus enlightened by Merrick (w = r in his world which makes it cuter).


Matron: "Yes?"

Merrick: "How come hews move?"

Matron: "What? Whose what?"

Merrick: "How come hew nuwsews move? I didn't know they could move! Youws don't, do they?"

No, honey, your Mama's nursers (as the very young in her household call them) don't move. But real ones do.

Sigh. Just wait till y'all hear about how the Matronly uterus is now sitting atop of her bladder. Remember those bladder infections? Weren't. That's right, folks. Small surgery in store next summer and the Matronly apparati are literally, headed all down hill and artificial!

Puts being "a piece of work" into a whole new context.


Anonymous said...

Oh honey. That's too funny. I have two breast men myself...

smalltownme said...

The r=w is adorable. Yesterday a child "wead" "Gween Eggs and Ham" to me."

Good luck with your, um, apparati.

shrink on the couch said...

What he weally meant to say was, "I like yulls nuwsews better"

JCK said...

This was too cute.

Sorry about the apparati issue.

Somehow I have the feeling that you're the lady with the gams.

thefirecat said...

My mom (from whom I inherited my washboard nipples, until post-cancer hormone replacement caused me to literally grow a pair, at 30) was recently heard saying, "Now that I'm in my sixties, my breasts have something they've never had before. A belly button."

Hey, at least you don't need those heavy-duty sports bras designed by the Army Corps of Engineers. 'Cause let me tell ya. A B-cup going six miles per hour for 15 miles gets really painful.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

I know the fitted feeling and I appreciate you sharing. The Matron? She's my hewo.

Patti said...

When my girls were young we had a bday party for the two of them and had a woman come dressed as Glinda the good witch from The Wizard of Oz. One of the little guys (about 4 1/2) told his mom on the way home when she asked how the party was "Gwenda has big bweasts" It starts young and lasts, well, forever,I fear.

Jason, as himself said...

"How come hew nuwsews move? I didn't know they could move! Youws don't, do they?"


Jocelyn said...

Oh, no! Have you had to cork yourself down there?

Suburban Correspondent said...

Mine move. We call them milkshakes.