When the Matron was a Wee Miss and even a Young Lass, she considered Orphanage Director to be the perfect occupation! The Orphanage Director would have no actual contact with small children, mind you, but would get to name those children -- hundreds of them!
Wee Miss could never imagine settling on a single name, because so many were so beautiful! The Matronly memory mangles much, but Felicity, Hope, Charity, Elizabeth, Stephanie, Victoria and Virginia stand out as being popular among the orphans. Boys were Benjamin, Frederick, Oscar, Bobby, Edward or Lance. Yes, Lance.
Throughout her life, the Matron has always felt that her name belies: she is far more singular than, say, Mary. Indeed, when the unmarried and unfettered Young Miss changed her last name at age 19 for complex reasons, she considered changing her first! To Madison. But she didn't (thank you, God-Oprah for not letting her pick a name soon to be as popular as the old shoe she already had and if your daughter bears that name, know the Matron still likes it, very much!).
So when the Matron became pregnant, she determined that the child's name should sparkle and shine -- stand out as the singular creatures he would be. Yet she didn't want anything obviously made up, like shoving together John & Mary for Jomary or concocting Lilliannaloubella or Frehenry.
If your children bear either of the three names above and you are offended, the Matron is very sorry (for the offspring).
Naming Stryker after the street on which he was conceived not only made perfect sense (at least to his parents) but also met the Singularity Criteria. To be safe, the Matron entered "Stryker" on the Social Security list of top baby names. Never once in 100 years has that name been in the top 1000. The Matron felt safe!
But look what is happening to her daughter!!!
|Year of birth||Rank|
When the Matron selected the name 'Scarlett' in 1998, she was not pleased that the name was in the top thousand at all - but at 834, the Matron felt the selection was safe. She checked out all other names in the 800's and was pleased to realize that she rarely, if ever, met any of their actual acquaintance: Valentina, Kinsey, Darlene, Emerald or Jill.
Merrick does not enter the top 1000 names, not once in the past 100 years. The Matron knows this for sure, because she just double-checked! History might rewrite itself if she's not watching. She must be on top of all situations, at all times.
The Matron blames Scarlett Johanson for this current issue. Scarlett!! Stop being so damn cute, with those lips and that impossible body and those incredible acting skills. Get Thee away from the cultural psyche! Can't you develop a drug problem like all of your famous twentysomething female acting peers? Maybe a career switch to something less visible, like Walgreen's cashier?
As long as she is wagging her finger-- Ellen! Why did you have to go pick a Stryker to put on national TV? The Matron would like to remind the planet that this man's first name is actually Ted. But, as of 1 pm Central Standard Time on a Tuesday afternoon in Minnesota, Stryker still has not appeared in the list of the top thousand most popular names in 100 years.
The Matron must be in control of all situations at all times (not that she has issues) so she cannot bear that she appears to have absolutely no control over the slow slide of Scarlett up that list.
Mrs. G? If Oprah calls you, please tell her to head over here next. She must ban the use of Scarlett, real quick.