Thursday, February 19, 2009

Six Years Ago at this Very Moment

The Matron was hugely pregnant. And forty. And 8 days past the baby's due date. Let us just pause and digest that!

Friends, she was also crabby.

How crabby? After her last appointment with the midwife (sorry, Mary, that cervix is closed tight), the Matron went right to her local corner store and purchased a pack of cigarettes.

She thought she'd smoke it out. Being an ex-smoker gave her the wisdom necessary to create this very fine theory.

Please don't yell at her for baby abuse. Because just half a cigarette felled the mother herself. All those years of cleaner living must've given her back her senses. She fell to the ground, hacking.

Since that didn't work and she wasn't in the mood for vodka, she picked up the phone and called her acupuncturist, Bill. Because she suffers from not one, but two inter-related autoimmune diseases (some people have all the luck!), she used acupuncture to buoy the body during the pregnancy.

Matron: "Bill! I am totally completely desperate. You know all those points you don't prick because they will induce labor?"

Bill: "Yes?"

Matron: "PRICK THEM NOW! Please!"

Bill: "Darling, I am in Houston but I hop on my plane in half an hour. I'll meet you in my office at 4:00. I'll use electricity of wish. We'll zap that creature right out, promise!!"

He was giddy.

He hooked up the Matron and lit her like a Christmas tree. Her body was covered in shining needles. When the treatment was over, he said this: "You should go into labor within 24 hours."

Matron: "I better!" Boy, was she crabby.

Merrick? Even better! He was born 12 hours later. Thanks, Bill!

Tomorrow, she celebrates her baby! Her great big old six-year old. Sniffle!


Jenny Grace said...

That is a GOOD friend to have in a time of serious need.

I decided I needed to go into labor STAT, and I went on a brisk (albeit swollen) five mile walk. I had Gabriel 12 hours later.

Anonymous said...

Zounds. That is one heck of a labor and delivery story! HB2 Merrick, too!

smalltownme said...

I'm glad that story had a happy ending (in only 12 hours).

Happy Birthday tomorrow to Merrick.

Anonymous said...

Wow, brilliant. Happy Birthday Merrick, and mama!

witchypoo said...

Six! Happy Birthday, Merrick!
I found stewed rhubarb was reliable to bring on labour.

Karen Jensen said...

When I was one, I was just begun
When I was two, I was hardly new
When I was three, I was barely me
When I was four, I was not much more
When I was five, I was just alive
But now I am six, I am clever as clever
And I think I'll stay six now, forever and ever. --A. A. Milne

Heather said...

That is an awesome story!

Rima said...

I wish I had known about that when I was two weeks overdue with the V-meister. What finally did it for me, I think, was a Dennys Grand Slam breakfast.

thefirecat said...

I still remember having to call my best friend for something or other when she was about that pregnant with my godson. On the first ring, she picked up the phone, bellowed, "IF YOU'RE NOT A CONTRACTION I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!" and hung up.

Irene said...

My second one was 10 days late and I played soccer with my first one in the backyard to bring on labor. It worked.

Happy Birthday, Merrick.

P.S. I usually lurk.

Anonymous said...

What did it for me with my third? The fact that I actually WANTED to go closer to my due date so we could have a New Years baby. He arrived 2 weeks early.

The mind of a pg woman is a fickle thing indeed.

Happy Birthday Merrick!

MJ said...

Happy belated birthday, Merrick!

How I wish I knew that acupuncture would work for my almost 12 day overdue child! Instead, I was induced twice! Ohhhh, the pain!! Being lit up like a tree sounds so much more festive!