What Fell Friday

As the World Turns?

It is time for another installment of What Fell Friday, wherein she chronicles the journeys of three items that happened to fall upon the floor sometime near the end of August . Regular readers may remember that the Matron herself accidentally vacuumed the first item sometime around September 15th. As of last Friday, the other two items remained comfortably ensconced in their new homes. The dagger-like barrette right by the bathroom door and

the Coke Zero underneath the living room radiator.

Well, well, friends! Something very exciting has happened -- and no, it doesn't involve John and the vacuum cleaner (although doesn't that sound hot?)

Last night, lucky girl Scarlett did one round as Bess in The Mary Tyler Moore Show, at this theater. Regular ole Bess couldn't make it so they called Scarlett. As usual, the Matron saw no evidence that Scarlett spent time memorizing lines or otherwise engaged in any kind of actual preparation -- and there was just one 'put-in' rehearsal.

As usual, Scarlett nailed it.

This is NOT the exciting part of the story, oh no. Nor is the exciting part that John and the ever-attractive Matron actually went out to dinner in a bona fide cash-money RESTAURANT without children and enjoyed a very fine meal (sorta like a date) and then died laughing through the incredible Mary Tyler Moore Show, with that dash of parental pride tossed in! No. This is not the exciting part at all.

The exciting part is that Grandma Sophie -- another woman!-- came over to hang with Stryker and Merrick while the other three were doing the theater romp. Grandma Sophie. Wife, mother, grandmother: woman.

Who entered both the living room and bathroom.

Both items? Gone last night when the Matron got home.

~*~*~*~

Jekyll Update: The vet has her beeper on in case we need her but Jekyll appears to be dying on his own. He has only gotten up about three times since Tuesday but is still eating. The vet thinks he could very well go on his own and she agrees (from our description of him) that he is in no pain. She'll keep you posted.

The Journey

For the past couple of years, the Matron and her family have been tending to this dear geriatric dog. Jekyll is 16 1/2 years old!

Vision and hearing were on a long slow descent until about one year ago when both abandoned him altogether. Sometime over the summer, he lost the ability to smell, too. She kids you not. Hold a dripping piece of meat under that dog's nose? Nothing.

In August, Jekyll was still stumbling around the house.

Merrick: "Jekyll is still doing okay, right?"

Matron: "Just okay."

That was then. This is October in Minnesota. The temperature? 39 degrees. Yes, the trees blaze and roar but behind that bluster, winter waits. In Minnesota, old dogs die in autumn because their bodies know what's ahead.

Matron's vet: "October is the hardest month of my job."

October first.

Tuesday afternoon, Jekyll lost the use of his legs. Instead of standing, he fell over. The Matron spent a good time watching and assessing, noticing another new problem: shaking. He was shaking. Sign of pain in dogs.

She called an immediate family emergency meeting and put Jekyll in the middle of the living room without a word. After about two minutes of watching the poor guy struggle, Stryker and Scarlett started to cry. They knew.

Merrick: "But Jekyll's doing okay, wight?"

Matron: "Honey, he's dying."

Death for this dog has been a slow steady journey: the Matron has been fond of saying that he's sleeping his way toward death. Uncannily, that is now what he is definitely doing.

While the vet was called on Tuesday afternoon, it turned out that their family vet who makes house calls was out of town for a week! This meant that instead of putting the dear friend down immediately, the Matron and her family were forced to wait and regroup.

This turned out to not be a bad thing, because guess who stood up to eat yesterday morning? And today?

Jekyll.

Otherwise, he sleeps, tucked into his dog bed with blankets and a favorite toy. The Matron dearly hopes that the next time she looks up from her laptop, the deep hoarse breathing coming from the dog bed will be silent. The shaking has ceased since he's stopped even trying to move (except for food).

They found a vet who can come to the house tomorrow.

For now, she is keeping this bedside vigil, honoring the life that slept by her side for nearly 17 years! The gentle spirit who welcomed three children as his own pack-- all three naked babies presented to him to sniff and lick and learn and love. The dear friend who once ate an entire 5 lb bag of flour. And never ever failed the Matron in his love.

She promises you this, Jekyll: she will not fail you in your final hour of need. She loves you.

PIcture Coming Later Today!

The Matron and her family are recent volunteers for Small Dog Rescue Minnesota, an organization that pretty much does what its titles implies: rescues small dogs.

Their very first foster dog was Abby!

Abby is now living in Wisconsin in a lovely home with an older-ish single woman whose life is pretty much devoted to her pets. The Matron might turn into one of those older-ish cat and dog devoted women one day but at the moment, she's too damn busy with an actual life.

Did she tell you yet that Stryker required an emergency dental visit, conveniently, on Friday night? The poor child is wearing both the Evil Herbst, which pushes his lower jaw forward


and its Demonic Twin Sister, the Rapid Palate Expander.

Some screw in the Herbst impaled Stryker, leaving him with an inch wide hole in his cheek, which promptly swelled to the size of a tennis ball.

That was fun.

Its solution involved power tools and old-fashioned ingenuity, which worked until about ten minutes ago when the Matron got a phone call from Stryker's school. The Herbst is now Halved and one half, again, lodged in Stryker's cheek.

This is all to explain why there is no picture yet of the new foster dog. The camera chord has gone missing (maybe it's playing with this barrette), the Matron has 65 papers to grade and now has another emergency dental visit to make.

Yes, there is a new foster dog.

Snappy arrived last night around 9 pm. He's a two year old Jack Russiel Terrier who had been living in an outdoor kennell in Tennesee for ONE YEAR. At least that's the story that came with him.

Lat night Snappy slept on a king size bed. What a difference a day makes!

That dog-devoted single older-ish nothing to kill but time life sounds dreamy . . . .

What Fell Friday

It's that time of the week!

Time to update the Matronly tradition of What Fell Friday,wherein she chronicles the journeys of three items that happened to fall upon the floor. The Matron-- prone to tidiness ACCIDENTALLY cleaned the first item, a piece of paper.

But that damn coke can is still in the living room. The Matron even put a cookie next to it, tempting Merrick. Satan's Familiar ate that instead.

How can an empty soda can go unnoticed in the LIVING ROOM for over two weeks?! Someone walks by that can every 20 minutes. And the barrette, below? Secure. Sitting tight.

Please note the dangers this barrette holds. If you step on it, you will be impaled. So her whole family is carefully WALKING AROUND the barrette rather than picking it up.

You would think that if her husband were reading the blog, he would stoop down and sweep these items up? John: are you toying with your dear Matron, knowing all along that she's NOT really having an affair with a pickle salesman and having no intention of moving these items because this means one day of less time of wifely blogging?

Speaking of John, his reaction to Stryker's hugely swollen jaw was to take note: son has hugely swollen jaw. The Matron's reaction was to call the emergency after hour dental clinic, which is where they are now headed.

That damn rapid palate expander has gouged a quarter inch hole in her child's cheek! Off to the ER of all things dentistry before ever convenient round of rehearsal driving that ends at ten o:clock -- just in time to hop in bed because she teaches a THREE HOUR writing class at nine in the morning.

Heaven help her.

Because She is Not Allowed to Blog About Stryker

That's right. The eldest put a firm foot down on his own life writ large for others. The Matron explained to him that because she is currently working on a book of essays about HER FAMILY (of which he is a vocal part) that she cannot make that blanket promise. For better or worse, he was born to a writer. Honest to God-Oprah-Buddha-Allah-Universe, she cannot help herself. But she's aiming for more discretion.

And if you know her son in real life, let's just keep this between us, okay?

The disadvantage of having a very smart child is that he can do research online regarding Major Parental Health and Well-being Decisions.

Stryker: "MOM! Did you know there are viable alternatives to the Rapid Palatable Expander AKA Torture Device currently attempting to kill me inside of my own mouth!" With that, he handed the Matron FOUR peer-reviewed academic studies presenting alternate expanding methods to the RPE; three of those studies dismissed the RPE as the lazy dentist's cheap fallback.

For the record, Stryker is going to the University of Minnesota Dental Clinic. Can you say best practices? Training the future?

Still. The Matron has those papers for further late night reading. While her poor guy wastes away in front of her, unable to do more than slurp down gogurt.

On the other front? Scarlett's agency called to say that she's in the running for the iCarly commerical; they're still narrowing down to that magic constellation of 11 and 12 year old girls.

And Merrick still can't read.

Mutants

Today, Scarlett had a callback for a commercial involving some sort of video game. The Matron wasn't aware of the particulars, all she knew was her role: driving. She was to deliver The Talent to the casting director's door at 3:10. The job was one day and paid $2,400.

Can you spell college?

Because Scarlett and a good friend, Tessa, had a dance lesson immediately following the audition in a nearby locale, Tessa came along for the fun and Parental Convenience.

Van ride to audition.

Scarlett: "Tessie? Can you tell I wore these clothes for the past two days?"

Tessa: "Not really except for the spaghetti sauce on your pants. But it blends."

Scarlett: "My pants are green."

Tessa: "Blends into a new color, I mean."

Scarlett: "Oh well. And my hair is all sweaty from gym, too."

Now, the Matron will forgive you for thinking she dramatizes her decidedly low-key non-stage mother stance. Remember that kid in high school? The one who wailed: "OMIGOD I never studied I am going to FAIL this TEST" only to routinely get the best score in the class? The Matron knows PLENTY of stage parents who bemoan the genre generally -- who swear they are NOT like that!! People who make fun of the Mom combing her daughter's hair and double-checking the head shot --- only to do the EXACT SAME THING.

This another type of Stage Parent. Also not the Matron. The Matron is FULLY ENGAGED with the stage thing, but in an entirely different self-serving blogging sort of way. Scarlett can have therapy for that, too.

So Scarlett shows up for today's callback in stained clothing and sweaty hair. They wander up to the third floor casting office to find 15 other girls (18 out of 190 called for callbacks) in FULL PROSTITUTION HAIR, CLOTHES AND MAKE UP.

The Matron was genuinely aghast. Shocked. The audition called for tweens 11-12, rec room style. These girls had tightly curled hair, lipstick, mascara, blush. They were universally wearing mini-skirts and vests. Their mothers ? Please help her. All had some kind of leopard print on their person and more make-up and hair bleach than the Matron has had in her lifetime possession. They sat anxiously clutching purses and wearing "LOOK AT ME" faces.

For the record, the Matron was wearing a Snoopy t-shirt and jeans. With kick-ass black boots. And she's SO not adverse to attention (of anther sort).

As she was stumbling to orient herself, the Matron whispered to Scarlett: "What is this a commercial for?"

Scarlett: "I Carly"

The Matron immediately googled and this is what she found!!! Amidst a room full of Carlys.

Mothers combed hair. Straightened clothing. Fussed over shoes. Those girls were prepackaged fully-made up, air-dried and blown works of art. They could barely blink for all that mascara.

While Scarlett tried to wipe off her spaghetti stains.

Paper, Paper, Read All About It! Morning Edition

That's right. All the Matron has in her tonight are the headlines.

Paper, Paper, Read All About It! Stage Mother Snaps on Freeway and Abandons Car and Child! World Record for Audition and Commercials, Set!

Paper, Paper, Read All About it! Thirteen Year Olds Are Picture of Misery the Day Rapid Palatable Expanders are Installed!

(MOM! I AM NEVER EATING SOLID FOOD AGAIN!) so far, he hasn't

Paper, Paper, Read All About It! World's Earliest High School Drop Out: Child Quits School at Six!!

Do other six year olds call homework "the devil's hand?"

Paper, Paper, Read All About it! Swine Flu Strikes Annie! Orphans Dropping Like Flies!

This - headlines from a typical Matronly Tuesday.