Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Paper, Paper, Read All About It! Morning Edition

That's right. All the Matron has in her tonight are the headlines.

Paper, Paper, Read All About It! Stage Mother Snaps on Freeway and Abandons Car and Child! World Record for Audition and Commercials, Set!

Paper, Paper, Read All About it! Thirteen Year Olds Are Picture of Misery the Day Rapid Palatable Expanders are Installed!


Paper, Paper, Read All About It! World's Earliest High School Drop Out: Child Quits School at Six!!

Do other six year olds call homework "the devil's hand?"

Paper, Paper, Read All About it! Swine Flu Strikes Annie! Orphans Dropping Like Flies!

This - headlines from a typical Matronly Tuesday.


The Green Stone Woman said...

It sounds very sensational and begs for more details. Please supply them.

MidLifeMama said...

Good lord, what IS THAT THING in his mouth? That looks like a medieval torture device.

thefirecat said...

I have had That Thing in his mouth in my own mouth. It does, indeed, take a whole lot of getting used to--for eating, salivating, breathing, brushing, and just generally existing.

And oh! the exquisite torture. Matron, for your own safety as well as for Stryker's, please let J be the one to turn the key in the expander.

Seriously? I had braces for five years and thus had a lot of equipment take up temporary residence in my mouth, and this was BY FAR the worst. By. Far. Tell Stryker he has my extreme and utmost sympathy. Dude. Those things SUCK.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with a 6 year old drop out.

Anonymous said...

My #1 son -- then aged 7 -- referred to his expander as "the medieval torture device", too. I felt like a persecutor in the Spanish Inquisition every night when I had to turn the key. (Have I mixed my metaphors and similes enough for you?) When it came out after two years he insisted on smashing it with a hammer and having me run over it with the car.

If we can put a man on the moon and a black man in the White House, why cannot we invent a less horrific jaw expander?

Susan said...

My youngest had the epander in her mouth, too. So sorry. She ended up becoming a tounge thruster because of it - just a warning!!

But what is this about abandoning child on freeway?!

~annie said...

Love the 6-year-old dropout! School IS highly overrated. Send him back when he's 8 or 9.