Friday, January 16, 2009

Second Opinion?



After ejecting a third (and nearly ten pound) baby, the Matronly uterus kicked up its heels and landed, slam dunk, on top of her bladder. Cozy!

The Matron would be fine with this coupling if not for the inability of said bladder to go for more than . . . . oh-let-her-think . . . . 90 SECONDS without sending its owner this message: Matron! Empty me now or I will let go myself, right here!

Presenting this problem to her fine family physician, the Matron was sent to an OB-GYN so young the Matron wondered if she could be legally married. Dr. Youngster sent the Matron to yet another clinic specializing in an ancient form of aerobic activity called: urodynamics.

Two charming little old ladies,a pleasant and disorienting mish-mash of Thelma & Louise combined with Lucy & Ethel, led the Matron through that delicate dance. Nothing like an hour with a cathater and company! (if she were still single and dating, the Matron thinks she quite could not make herself more attractive!)

A dutiful patient, the Matron followed up with Dr. Youngster, who must have been busy with her Leggos because she was 45 minutes late. She studied the urodynamic data with her adorable, toddler-like lips pursed to help her concentrate. The Matron nearly handed her a pencil to chew on.

Youngster: "So you have stress incontinence! We're going to take a little piece of mesh, like a hammock! And we take this little hammock and just liiiiiiiiiift one of those big pesky bladder muscles up a bit, just to keep it firmer. It's a day surgery. Zip, zip. In, out."

Matron: "Stress incontinence? But that's not my problem. I'm not leaking pee -- I just feel like have to pee every five minutes."

Puzzled, Youngster quickly returns to the troublesome peice of paper. "Okay! Oh, right! Sure. So you'll have a hysterectomy, which will totally remove the uterus. That's a bigger surgery, like an overnight! We might as well take out those old ovaries while we're in there. Just eliminate the risk of overian cancer! Get it all out, right?"

Matron: "But I don't have any history of ovarian cancer. Are you sure that a hysterecomtomy changes the whole 'get thee to a toilet' thing anyway?"

Youngster casts a hesitant and uncertain glance at the mysterious urodynamic test results. "Uh, yes. But you know, we could also just put that hammock under your bladder while we're in there. Uterus, ovaries, hammock. Boom. Or just the hysterecotomy. Maybe with the ovaries, maybe not. But I don't think we should do the hammock first. Or at all. But if we do, let's get rid of those ovaries!"

And with that wise dispatch, Youngster crossed her legs and gave the Matron a great big encouraging smile!

Youngster: "Any questions?"

!

29 comments:

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

Someone sounds a little scalpel happy. Are you getting a second opinion?

(And soliciting the advice of your blog readers does not count.)

Melissa said...

I hope you ran as fast as you could, with a hanging bladder and all, to the nearest exit!

Good luck and keep us updated!

smalltownmom said...

Holy crap! Why is she so hot to cut out your ovaries? So she can make money on your premature menopause?

Karen ~ said...

OH.
MY.
GOSH.

RUN RUN RUN to a different doctor!

Wow. Hard to believe that she actually offered a hysterectomy as a solution for the incessant urge to urinate.

Wow.

Outnumbered2to1 said...

Wow, just wow. Wow. You need to not go back there EVER. AGAIN.

On a side note, I think I can totally be a doctor.

Dysd Housewife said...

Second Opinion Indeed.

Cherish said...

Ya, thats a little crazy. Or a lot crazy actually. Anyway, second opinion indeed!

Beth said...

The "Youngster" uses the words, "but, or, maybe, maybe not" far too often.
Get a second opinion!

Ree said...

Seriously? I'd just wear maxipads and call it good. (Of course, I puke my guts out and get freezing cold from surgery. That, and I'm a bit old chicken.)

Heather said...

Wow. Just. Wow.

kmkat said...

Yeah, second opinion. I have had that conversation with my doc and she was a LOT better. Sent me to physical therapy, which was somewhat productive. What works best is avoiding the foods that trigger the over-active bladder. Stuff like coffee, tea, soda, any carbonated beverage, strawberries, cantalope, any fruit juice. The list goes on forever!

Jennifer said...

I KNOW you are going to get a second opinion, right?
My mother (WAY older than you and with additional very scary problems) had the hammock thing and the hysterectomy. Big problems.
Please, please check with another MD, 'k?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

And then the Matron said, "I think I'll get another opinion."

Daisy said...

AAAARGH!! And she charged you lots of $$$ for taking time to share her indecision, too.

thefirecat said...

Check, please!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

My sister-in-law had that hammock thing done, and it did not work.

Cha Cha said...

OMG.

Dr. Cha Cha is old enough to marry but smart enough not to jump into anything rash and prescribes wine. Lots of wine and a bathroom close at hand.

Balou said...

Yikes! MY ovaries are cringing with Dr. Youngsters sketchy analysis. Definitely go somewhere else.

Jocelyn said...

I'm too busy gasping to type another thing.

M said...

I'm crossing my legs just thinking about this. Bleh.

fireweedroots said...

Find another doctor!
A hysterectomy and removing your ovaries will send you into a premature menopause. This was not something my doctor informed me about until it was too late...

Patti said...

Standard response: "DON'T CUT ME!"

Ali said...

Oh wow. I just love the "let me rip bits of you out" attitude. If I were you I would definitely find a new Ob/Gyn.In my experience it REALLY matters just how old and experienced they are.

JCK said...

Second opinion? By GOD, YES!!! This is too scary for words. Dr. Youngster sucking on Legos, indeed.

Optimist said...

MM - lots of options other than surgery - start by reading this!

http://www.urologychannel.com/incontinence/stress/treatment_nonsurg.shtml

I will be happy to ask around for you for a good UROLOGIST in St. Paul...

xoxo Bonnie in Houston!

BTW - the word for your word verification today is cussing! Apropos!!

Optimist said...

Let's try that again..

http://www.urologychannel.com/incontinence/stress/treatment_nonsurg.shtml

Optimist said...

Heck - I don't know why it won't post all the way! I will email you the link. You can also just google
"stress incontinence muscle tone" and it's the first result (of many) that shows up.

Bonnie

Julie said...

I...I have no response except RUN! Run away from this doctor!

~annie said...

Good God!