Friday, January 16, 2009
After ejecting a third (and nearly ten pound) baby, the Matronly uterus kicked up its heels and landed, slam dunk, on top of her bladder. Cozy!
The Matron would be fine with this coupling if not for the inability of said bladder to go for more than . . . . oh-let-her-think . . . . 90 SECONDS without sending its owner this message: Matron! Empty me now or I will let go myself, right here!
Presenting this problem to her fine family physician, the Matron was sent to an OB-GYN so young the Matron wondered if she could be legally married. Dr. Youngster sent the Matron to yet another clinic specializing in an ancient form of aerobic activity called: urodynamics.
Two charming little old ladies,a pleasant and disorienting mish-mash of Thelma & Louise combined with Lucy & Ethel, led the Matron through that delicate dance. Nothing like an hour with a cathater and company! (if she were still single and dating, the Matron thinks she quite could not make herself more attractive!)
A dutiful patient, the Matron followed up with Dr. Youngster, who must have been busy with her Leggos because she was 45 minutes late. She studied the urodynamic data with her adorable, toddler-like lips pursed to help her concentrate. The Matron nearly handed her a pencil to chew on.
Youngster: "So you have stress incontinence! We're going to take a little piece of mesh, like a hammock! And we take this little hammock and just liiiiiiiiiift one of those big pesky bladder muscles up a bit, just to keep it firmer. It's a day surgery. Zip, zip. In, out."
Matron: "Stress incontinence? But that's not my problem. I'm not leaking pee -- I just feel like have to pee every five minutes."
Puzzled, Youngster quickly returns to the troublesome peice of paper. "Okay! Oh, right! Sure. So you'll have a hysterectomy, which will totally remove the uterus. That's a bigger surgery, like an overnight! We might as well take out those old ovaries while we're in there. Just eliminate the risk of overian cancer! Get it all out, right?"
Matron: "But I don't have any history of ovarian cancer. Are you sure that a hysterecomtomy changes the whole 'get thee to a toilet' thing anyway?"
Youngster casts a hesitant and uncertain glance at the mysterious urodynamic test results. "Uh, yes. But you know, we could also just put that hammock under your bladder while we're in there. Uterus, ovaries, hammock. Boom. Or just the hysterecotomy. Maybe with the ovaries, maybe not. But I don't think we should do the hammock first. Or at all. But if we do, let's get rid of those ovaries!"
And with that wise dispatch, Youngster crossed her legs and gave the Matron a great big encouraging smile!
Youngster: "Any questions?"