Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Mama Should Not Sleep in the New Tent Tonight

10. It is a tent.

9. This conversation two weeks ago:

John: "Let's start camping!"

Matron: "Are you kidding me?"

John: "I'm going to buy a Coleman tent that sleeps seven."

Matron: "But I hate nature unless it's nestled on cement."

John: "You don't have to come."

Matron: "But I'd be lonely! Just don't buy the tent, not yet."

Guess who went to Cosco with two of the children, and, characteristically, came home with a tent?

8. Tents reside outdoors, which means, one sleeps outside. In Minnesota where it is barely above freezing this time of year (usually, today--the day of the great outdoor backyard camping experiment-- is unfortunately tropic).

7. Satan's Familiar's cloven paw will most certainly be thrust in the Matron's face (oh, and look for a new S.F video coming up, courtesy of He Who Cannot Be Named).

6. Satan's Familiar's minions -- the three million snakes that live in the yard -- are currently making BIG PLANS for tonight, starting at about 2 a.m.

5. Who will drink the last glass of wine in front of the television if she's outside?

4. This is the 'hood, folks, not a national park.

3. The Matron is still traumatized from a family trip when she was 14, wherein the family made its way from Minnesota to California, camping. Imagine being 14 trapped in a station wagon with your siblings for three weeks and the highlight of your day is pitching the tent at 9 pm. She still needs therapy.

2. Once when she was camping as a child, her little brother stood up and peed on her. Merrick is about the same age.

1. It is not yet April and she doesn't start pretending to enjoy outdoor activity until May 19th.


jenn said...

I love the outdoors: hiking, swimming, biking, gardening. But I draw the line at camping. If we were meant to sleep on the ground, then why are there mattresses?

jenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suburban Correspondent said...

I think someone should be left inside to guard the house, don't you?

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

You had me at number 10.

Anonymous said...

My version of camping involves a camping trailer and/or motorhome and driving to a nice restaurant for dinner every night. As long as I get those things -- and no mosquitoes -- I can put up with carrying water and pit toilets and no showers.

Nanc Twop said...

Stay inside and relax.

Enjoy it while you can, because yard camping never lasts long. They can't resist the lure of the frig, TV, Wii, etc.

p.s. Extend your blissful solitude - allow them to extend an electrical cord (with a 3-outlet end) out to the tent...

ree said...

You could have just cut/pasted #10all the way through and I'd have understood.

Daisy said...

Snicker... snort... giggle... choke...
I enjoy the outdoors and camping, too. But your description of the traumas would talk me out of a family camping trip! Say, aren't those snakes hibernating? It's too cold for mosquitoes, too.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Tents are for KIDS. Cabins are for GROWN UPS. Tell John to build you a cabin and you'll start talking about camping;)
Mine are chomping at the bit to camp in our yard...it's almost dry enough, too!

MidLifeMama said...

I DETEST camping. Staying at Motel 6 is the closest to roughing it I will tolerate. It is cold even when it is hot out. It is ALWAYS damp. BUGS. If you are lucky, a communal toilet and showers. If you are not, GAH pooping in the woods and no shower. Nope.

Minnesota Matron said...

They made it until 10:30 pm. Then there was a bloody nose, much drama and a near midnight bedtime. Indoors.

Anonymous said...

#3 - You just gave me childhood flashbacks! Break camp at dawn, drive all day (I was notoriously carsick) and set up camp in the dark. It took until college before I could stomach a PopTart or Dinty Moore beef stew.