Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Swine Flu

In order to fully appreciate this post, new readers must understand that the Matron's brain is a bit of a medical mystery.  Instead of the regluar lobes--frontal and all that--the Matron has a large Hypochondriacal Lobe constituting about one quarter of her personal gray matter.

This is the Lobe that keeps her on the alert for rabid bats and routinely sends her to the ER at, uh, slightest symptom (there are too many posts on this to link).   She wishes she was making all this up.

Now, the Matron emailed the parent of one of Stryker's best buddies to inquire after the buddy's health.  The friend, Henry, had spent the better part of the weekend at a baseball tournament with the Matron and Stryker, including much time spent in close quarters of the Matronly minivan.   Henry went home sick on Sunday.

Email from noncholant sane other parent:  "The doctor says Henry has the swine flu.  He'll be better in five to seven days."

Swine flu sounds SO much more alarmist than H1N1 so the Matron is sticking with that Big Gun.  Oink.

Swine flu!! 

Funny how that other family just moves through what is a full five star alarm in the Matron's household. 

Yes, those germs are a-spreading.  Stryker, felled.  He is sleeping with a bucket by his side.  The Matron?  Felled, although she can't tell if it's just a wretched cold with body aches or the dreaded pandemic knocking at her door.

You heard it here first.  The news should be official tomorrow. 

The irony of falling ill while on a three week cleansing regime that has the Matron up to her eyeballs in Supplement and Herb is not lost on her.     Maybe if she was a little more toxic those germs would jump up and scream for a cleaner home.

On the bright side?  The  104ish lbs, size 1 Matron had this conversation with another skinny friend yesterday.

Matron:  "You should try this cleansing thing.  It's great."

Skinny friend:  "I'm afraid I'll lose weight.   I don't need to lose weight."

Matron:  "You don't have to eat less, just differently.  I've only lost a couple of pounds, I bet."

Skinny Friend (with hard appraising look):  "But you could afford a few pounds."

Okay then.  Maybe the swine flu will take care of that?  

13 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

If you had only kept up on the news, you would have known how dieting can make you more susceptible to the flu.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Do you really need the comment verification? Live dangerously!

Joy said...

Drink lots of fluids and get lots of rest! Milk it for all it's worth and get the hubs to take good care of you. Good luck.

MJ said...

I'm just bracing myself for our round of swine flu. I know it is coming as it is in the elementary schools. It is just a question of time.

Feel better soon!

Ree said...

Did you slap her? You could stand to lose a few pounds? Seriously???

I suppose - if you're 4'3".

Get well soon!

Heather said...

Some friend!

Tammy said...

Oh no. You're not planning a visit to Grandma Matron anytime soon are you? Let me know so I can leave the area in advance. ;)

Seriously, I hope you are all feeling better quickly.

kmkat said...

I was going to send you to http://doihaveswineflu.org/, which used to be a screen with a 72-pt "NO". But it has changed. You might be happier if you didn't go there.

Get well soon!

Mrs. G. said...

I think you should hang with fatter friends. That wasn't nice to say...sort of in the vein of that "it's so difficult to be beautiful" BS.

I hope you are all better soon.

cndymkr / jean said...

My son got hit with it last Friday. So no school for a week! He must have just a mild case cause he only had a fever for two days, but the cough is still lingering. We were all on Tamiflu for 5 days and my husband and I escaped it. At least now he'll be immune from it, right? I feel like Typhoid Mary though.

justhay said...

Oh my, the Matron felled by swine flu? Somehow I am not even mildly surprised.
Apparently the infection rate for NZ is supposed to be 60%. I'm hoping I've worked up enough good vegan karma to avoid it.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Skinny friend must really be anorexic friend.

I know I had the swine flu about 6 months ago. Nobody at urgent care really seemed to care--not even for tracking purposes. Unless they were just lying to me about the strep test. It was a nasty one all right.

I hope you all feel better soon.

Daisy said...

I get a little paranoid about H1N1 or any pandemic flu. Maybe it's that public health training; a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.