Every hundred posts or so, the Matron rolls out an early blog entry -- written before her third person persona was fully realized. This is an actual God-Buddha-Oprah-Allah-Universe conversation that took place between the deeply self-involved Matron and one of her best friends. She knows most of you have seen this, but every 100 posts or so she needs to put her feet up and gasp.
Over a Thousand Posts!
Really, this blog might be her third novel!
I had lunch with a friend yesterday.
As in a member of the Top Five Friends, the first you call on the days corporeal punishment sounds, well, reasonable or when you buy that $188 purse at ValuThrift for $7.49.
Me: "Tomorrow will be my 200th post."
Me: "Blog post. I started with four weenie ones in September and I'm up to 200."
Friend: "I always forget about that blog."
Me (!): "You're kidding. I thought you read every day."
Friend: "Actually, I talk to you every day. Why would I read the blog?"
Me: "Because I'm writing it? It's good?"
Friend: "Actually, I like you better in real life."
Me (umbrage, taken!): "How could you! No you don't."
Friend: "Yes, I really do."
Me: "You can't possibly."
Friend: "You're wrong. I like you better, here."
Me: "But I'm funny on the blog."
Friend: "You're funny in real life, too."
Me: "I am not!."
Friend (sigh): "Yes, you are."
Me: "But I'm funny in a more thoughtful, well-done way on the blog."
Friend: "Actually, you're quick as a whip in real life. "
Me: "Now you're hurting my feelings."
Friend: "Sorry, but I prefer the real deal to the blog."
Me: "But I offer interesting political commentary on the blog. Gender stuff, too."
Friend: "Mary, you are Commentary, incarnate. In real life. You're just like that."
Me: "Oh my God. I can't believe you're saying this about my blog."
Friend: "I'm saying this about you."
Me: "But my blog is climbing in numbers! In just four months of steady postings I havehundreds of readers!
Friend: "Do they pay you?"
Me: "Of course not!"
Friend: "Are these relationships? If their kids showed up at your doorstep, do you know what to feed them? Tampax or Kotex? Which bathroom in their house is for public use and whichstrictlyoff limits?"
Me: "I know them through comments. There are kids' names involved, like Nature Girl and Boy G. Mr. T and Mr. G. Wild Child. See?"
Me: "They put my name on their blogrolls: Minnesota Matron."
Friend: "That's not your name."
Me: "Yes, it is. And it looks good sitting up there for everyone to see, all shiny and taut: Minnesota Matron."
Friend: "You like being the center of attention."
Me: "I do not!"
Friend: "Who are we talking about?"
Me: "But I wish you preferred the blog."
Friend: "Center. Of. Attention."
Me: "Oh my God. I'm so sorry! Let's talk about you."
Friend: "Sweetie, you're always the center of attention. That's okay."
Me: "Thank God. I was getting worried, you hating my blog and all."
Friend: "Mary, the internet was created specifically for your blog. Online creativity can now take a rest. Can we order now?"
Me: "You like the blog--better? Prefer it to me in real life?"