Monday, August 16, 2010

Open Letter to Her Family

Dear Family,

You know that bed, and how you sleep on it? This bed does not magically make itself in the morning, nor do the shades open. Yes, we all wish there were magic wands and wrinkled noses (remember Bewitched?), but sometimes life requires actual physical movement.

Speaking of which, no your mother cannot get up from dinner, walk to the fridge and get you a different beverage than the one selected; if you're ambulatory, you can do that yourself.

And the sort of silver thing stuck into the middle of the kitchen counters? This is a dishwasher. Dishes move in and out: dirty ones go in and clean ones come out. Now that this concept has been explained, she's certain you'll be excited to test out its practical application.

HWCBN? If the dishes appear unacceptably dirty after being run through said simple instrument, you might choose to rinse your plates and glasses thoroughly after using them.

The washing machine operates with the same mystical system that the dishwasher does, only this device cleans clothes. Wait! There's an extra burdensome step: the wet clothes go into the dryer. THEN you can take everything out--and remember that whole magic wand thing, wherein there's isn't one? Again, here too, physical movement --the folding and putting away of clothes--is also required.

Dropping toys, books, iPods, Game boys, and clothes on the floor isn't putting them away. She knows this is a bit of a surprise, but it is possible to put books on the shelf, toys in the box, and electronic devices in your bedrooms. The Matron knows this feat --unimaginable, yes--is possible because she does it all the time! Surprise!

If you have a sense of disdain and wounded pride because the van needs vacuuming and de-cluttering--and you're old enough to wield the vacuum cleaner--it is perfectly acceptable to pick up the papers and scraps on the floor and vacuum the van. She thinks it is entirely possible to manage this trick, as well.
Corn on the cob, apple cores, orange rinds and all those other organic materials that are so good to eat? That's why they end up in the compost bucket by the sink: you ate them. It might be a fun nature walk to take the twenty steps from the back door to the outdoor compost.

Yes, lice will set your mother over a dark edge. Yes, lice --and all its labor right at the beginning of the new academic year-- means that the other household work is writ large and has come more closely to the Matron's attention.

Family, she hopes this letter finds everyone well and enthused about expanding horizons and experiencing a few domestic adventures. There is nothing more exhilarating than clean sheets, right?

If making a bed doesn't kill you, it WILL make you stronger.

She promises.


kcinnova said...

Here's hoping that your family reads what you write. My one child who finally grew up enough to understand went off to college last week, leaving his 3 brothers at home. *sigh*

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

Did you just ask your children if they remember Bewitched or was that part just directed toward John?

Also? Could you explain the washer/dryer part again for me? I'm still trying to figure out those suckers.


smalltownmom said...

Amen, sister!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You may need to make this a quarterly newsletter--they seem to forget quite quickly!

Jen on the Edge said...

I believe I'll just print this out and place a copy by everyone's place at the dinner table.

Rebekah said...

I need to post you a copyright fee, as this has just been reproduced for the edification of my family. With thanks and wishes for a cleaner, happier sanity - RF

trash said...

So ... this is an international issue then? Funny, mine think it is just one of those weird Antipodean quirks I regularly exhibit.

Anonymous said...

Being posted on the one appliance they all "visit"...the fridge at this house. Maybe you can get publishing copyrights and we can have "Matron says..." posters ala those Sark posters Mrs.G loves so much!

Minnesota Matron said...

Feel free to copy or otherwise distribute. I live to serve and we mothers need help!

Shawn Paulson said...

Amen! First, hello from a long lost neighbor! Now, back to the issue at hand. I've raised two boys and continue to fight the battle. Both boys are leaving for college on Thursday and I hope to have somewhat of a reprieve, at least until they return home for visits.

Miss you my friend.

Daisy said...

You tell 'em, Mama!!

Minnesota Matron said...

Shawn! Amazing! We grew up next door to one another, dear readers. Am I that easy to find on the internet? Geez. Send me your email address, asap! College? And I have a seven year old. Lord help me. He has another decade in which to contract lice.

Cecile said...

Lol !

I wish my mum would have explained it like that, back then... Would I have done more ? Probably not (we all had chores to do, and it was non-negotiable and that was that.) And beware of the MummyWrath if you forgot or put it off ! Better be running a fever as an excuse !
I like your method better. Tell me if it works !

And good luck for the beginning of the year. I'm sure you'll rock with that too !