Tuesday, January 5, 2010


This would be the Matron.

The friend she thought was true (if long distance) just stopped returning emails. Okay. Got the message. And the email address is still valid, she knows.

The beloved relative she called who couldn't talk at the moment but promised to call right back? Hmmm. . . still waiting.

Grandma Mary skipped Christmas and is unable to talk on the phone because her cat died. Okay, the Matron gets this but thinks that one should be able to TALK at some point over the course of a month.

When it was ten below zero on Sunday, the van's heating system broke to the tune of $378.

The last Visa bill was, well, WAY more than that. But she paid the whole thing in full anyway and decided not to buy that extra $2.99 pair of jeans at the thrift store today.

She has two online classes to get up and running before midnight Sunday and woefully little time outside of tending to children and going to two convenient days of meetings on Thursday and Friday.

Did she mention the whole money thing or that Minnesota is in a deep freeze? Double digits below zero every night for awhile. Nobody can ever get entirely warm and John just announced that he "turned down the heat."


Snappy the foster dog continues to pee on everything brown, yellow, red, green, orange, purple, blue or pastel pink in the house.

The same dog ate four hamburgers left unattended for five minutes while the family ran to the kitchen to see which house the sirens went to.

Satan's Familiar remains just that. If Snappy eats the burgers, S.F. will eat the plates.

The sirens -- fire and ambulance--did NOT go to the psycho-meth neighbors but the hotel down the street. At least two of the residents recently claimed to be Jesus and the Matron sincerely hopes they're not the cause for alarm. Being Jesus and all that.

Then there's the psycho-meth neighbors who alerted the Matron to the phrase "you small dick bitch" one night during a domestic battle. Small dick bitch. Savor that.

Merrick still can't read.

Sigh ~

The silver lining? The Vikings (this is a Minnesota professional football team for the like-minded) are in the play-offs, which means that for one afternoon coming up soon the Matron can shop in all the stores she wants to with NO competition.

Are the stars aligning like this for the whole world or just her ice-addled corner?


Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Small dick bitch?
Some people just really have a way with words, don't they?
So sorry about the van heat. I hate cars. Cars and teeth. Gotta fix 'em, and the cost sucks you dry.

Karen ~ said...

Eh, if Merrick could read he might read this and then you would have to deal with him calling everyone a small dick bitch. See? You are lucky.

And I'm in your ice-covered frozen-tundra-ish corner of the world, and I am just coming OUT of a major funk. So hang in there.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Since my blog post today was entitled "Cranky," I would say it is not just Minnesota.

I hope the funk lifts soon.

kmkat said...

The cold weather extends into n.w. Wisconsin. Just thought you should know. -31˚ a couple nights ago. Brrr.

Small dick bitch. Huh.

Mrs. G. said...

Don't hate me. This made me laugh.

fireweedroots said...

-23C here as well, but my funk starts around -30C...
As for that leaky dog - mix 1 part vinegar with 5-6 parts water and spray on the areas you don't want him to tinkle on. The house will smell like the inside of a pickle jar for a bit, but it should fix the pooch!

Anonymous said...

broken car - check
broken heater - check ($oh sh$T)
broken income - check

It may not be every where, but its paid a visit here...

Deb said...

Yup...I've had my fill of winter. Now I'll just start the countdown to late March, when spring ALWAYS seems like a possibility!

At my age, I shouldn't be counting down anything. And I'm not all that old, just old enough to recognize I should be grateful that I am still here.

Rachelle said...

"Small dick bitch" is okay, but my favorite is still "douche canoe", probably because I can't actually picture what a douche canoe might look like.

Don't worry, Matron, it's the soul-sucking weather that's pushing you (and many others) down. Also, for the dog problems, you just need to watch a LOT of Dog Whisperer episodes - worked for us, and now our dog is a very nice animal to have around the house.

Also, Go Vikings!

Memarie Lane said...

How is the Headsprout program working out? I was thinking of buying it so please let me know if it's a piece of crap...

Casey said...

My funk is not yet your level yet...I haven't heard any crazy new phrases from my drug addict neighbors.
I just had my month long bus pass eaten by the bus. $85 stuck in the bus...they'll send it back if they can find it. UGH.
And helped my mom pay her rent.
I also live in MN. Unshoveled sidewalks downtown and due to the bus problem I actually have to walk on now.

Hope things start getting better for you.

Miss Grace said...

I'm determined NOT to get into a funk this year...er...yet anyways.

Repeat after me: It will get better, everything will be fine.

~annie said...

Like Mrs. G, I laughed at this... Same situation here in VA, where we don't usually have three week long cold snaps, so I know about cranky.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate your allusion to the Vikings. Good to know that football is good for something.
To help me share your funk the veneer on my front tooth broke and INSURANCE DOES NOT COVER IT. I can abide irregularities in my dental health (pain excepted), but not when I look like an Appalachian granny. Where's my corncob pipe? (I'm originally from Tennessee so don't jump all over me.)

jenn said...

Yeah, I've been off lately, too. Something about the short days, cold temps, and the financial hangover from Christmas. Kind of a perfect storm of blah.

I'm filing "small dick bitch" away for future use. I'm sure that will come in handy in some future argument.

kcinnova said...

The friend thing sucks. Relatives are relatives. My mother just called and talked about the trip to Europe she is taking in the spring instead of coming to see her eldest grandchild graduate from high school.
I haven't been truly warm in several weeks and it's only getting colder this weekend.
And I spent my day oversleeping and napping. I will claim funk to be better than flu, and hope it doesn't go to the next level.

Daisy said...

I'm still laughing at the effect Brett Favre has on the Matron's life: the clearing of the stores. You'll be able to go bowling in the aisle!

MJ said...

It is always challenging planning our lives around sporting events upon which others seem to thrive! I, too, plan for shopping albeit to ensure that I miss the flood of traffic to/from the event! Shop on, Matron, shop on!

Minnesota Matron said...

You guys rock, each and every one!

Sandie said...

I'll be at Target with you-- I PLAN my shopping around those Vikings games! Love it!

Sandie said...

Also, I plan to use "small dick bitch" and "douche canoe" at least twice in the upcoming week. Well, maybe not around my daycare kids:)