Actual Conversation

This takes place within the Matronly minivan and it is not, unfortunately, atypical. In fact, it is standard operation. The entire family is driving to Grandma’s house for dinner.

Stryker: “Can I bring in my iPod this time?”

Matron: “Sorry! Same rules apply. There will be direct actual eye to eye communication.”

Merrick: “Why did Gwanpa die?”

Stryker: “Grandma has cable though, right?”

Matron: “Yup, she does. Merrick, it is still super sad about Grandpa, I know. He was so old that his body just stopped working.”

Scarlett: “I thought he had cancer, Mom. That’s not a very good explanation.”

Merrick: “Whewe is Gwanpa wight now? Can we see him?”

Matron: “Well, cancer is complicated and he stopped treatments because he was 84; I think the body giving out thing works. Merrick – you can’t see Grandpa because his body is buried in the ground. But if you love someone, you can carry that person with you in your heart.”

Stryker: “Will there be Polish sausage?”

Scarlett: “Why is it illegal to plug two monitors into a computer?”

Stryker: “You’re an idiot, Scarlett!”

Merrick: “But what happens to Gwanpa when he’s in the gwound? I don’t feel anybody in my tummy.”

Matron: “No, that’s not illegal. Yes, there will be Polish sausage. Please don’t call your sister an idiot, ever again. Grandpa’s spirit leaves his body so the body is like skin a snake sheds. It’s really not important and it just decomposes. You wouldn’t actually FEEL a person in your tummy, but remember them with your mind.”

Scarlett: “What about Buddha, Mom? I thought we were Buddhists.”

Matron: “And?”

Merrick: “Wemembew how we killed Thuwston?”

Stryker: “Why does Grandma have a TV In the bathroom?”

Matron: “Because she likes to take a bath and watch TV, I think. Thurston was already dying and in pain, Merrick. We didn’t really KILL him. We helped nature along.

Scarlett: “Mom, is it too late to call Tessa to see if she can come with us to Grandma’s?”

Stryker: “But if the TV falls into the bathtub won’t you get electrocuted?

Merrick: “Is Thuwston with Buddha and Gwandpa?”

Matron: “Yes – I believe so. Thurston, Grandpa and Buddha are altogether, you will die if the TV falls in the tub (I think) and it’s definitely too late to call Tessa”

Stryker: “Can I buy a new video game when we get home?”

Scarlett: “Oh, and Mom! Why isn’t Julie Andrews in MORE movies these days!”

At which point the Matron’s head was about to explode so she turns to her husband – who is driving, without the radio or any visible headset covering his ears or brain -- and says: “You can jump in here any time!”

John: “What? Are we talking?"