Monday, April 27, 2009

Pushing Ahead Full-Throttle

The Matron doesn't even need to take this online quiz. She knows what she is. Indeed, approximately one quarter of her very fine brain consists of the very unique Hypochondriacal Lobe.

She knows some of you have one. Bless you, sisters.

So the Lobe is lubed, friends. She of the delicate Implant is already constantly on guard against the dreaded Pressure on Tooth, Gum Disease or General tooth Could Potentially Fall Out any Second Problem.

Then there's this.

The whole issue of little Merrick-Man's visit with the pediatric cardiologist. Why is there always good news and bad news? The good news is that his little pumper looks fine! The ultrasound showed all clogs and kluges (arteries and veins and such) formed and flowing perfectly.

But his little rat-a-tat-tat? That odd gallop? In most people, 2-3% of total heartbeats are irregular. If the heart beats irregularly for 10% of its beats or more? Then it's a problem. And Merrick's little blips were pretty persistent. So Thursday, he gets a heart monitor for 24 hours!

This has caused that child no end of anxiety. (remember to transcribe those L's and R's into W's)

"Wiww it huwt?"

"Can I swim?"

"Can I wun?"

"Can I eat?"

"Can I stiww sweep naked?"

He really Truly, Madly, Deeply (oh my GOD -- see that movie if you haven't) does not want those wires attached to his chest. He would have none of the cardiologist's "oh you're going to be the coolest cat at school" pitch.

His presence during the entire two hour visit was solemn, suspicious and nearly wordless. Tonight, that child took the Matron's heart in his hands and winnowed it to putty. He laid on the rug in the bathroom, held his tummy and said: "I am wowwied about my heawt."

And this broke the Matron's, because she has been very very careful to play this whole issue light and mark the tests to precaution (because her rational brain, which dictates behavior around children (except the preteen) says this is true -- it's nothing).

Now if this isn't enough to keep the Hypochondriacal Lobe humming along (it works on her children too, even if it must try to fly under the radar), there's that dratted Global Pandemic. She doesn't care if the word isn't official: the word has landed on her ears, thus on the Lobe and therefore, Fuel Eternal.

So she is not making this juice up. She's at CVS waiting for a prescription and within a 10 minute time span, three people walk in looking for Tamaflu and surgical masks. There were none.

But this gave the Matron pause. She hadn't considered Preparation.

What if there's a run on homeopathic flu remedies? And if Kimchi cured Bird Flu? Well! Pigs are just a stone's throw in genetic structure (or so goes the Lobe). Really -- have you looked hard at a bird and a pig lately? There are just a few feathers between them.

Standing in line at CVS and watching the first stirrings of the masses' panic, the Matron knew that if she couldn't get mask and Tamaflu, she must immediately STOCK UP on Oscillococcinum and Kimchi.

This is the part of the story where she's on the cell phone to John and he says, "Please tell me you didn't. Fermented cabbage?"

She did.

Oddly, there was ooodles and ooooodles of homepathic potential and life-saving cabbage on the shelves of Whole Foods. The Matron was expecting police and riot gear. But the copious amounts of supply and query by the cashier: "Wow, your family must really be sick" led the Matron to believe that, just once, she beat everybody to the punch. Is leading the way.

She even managed to feel smug, beating the masses. Don't come knocking at her door when you are mourning your cabbage status!


kmkat said...

Kimchi cures/prevents the flu? Who knew?

Personally, I plan to rely on the fact that I live a million miles from anywhere and only rarely encounter another human being to protect myself.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I really resent this swine flu thing. It's cutting into the time I've allotted to worrying about deep vein thrombosis, premature heart attacks, and head lice. There are simply not enough hours in the day!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Oh, and if you would put the Follower widget on your blog, you'd be surprised to see how many devoted readers you have!

another Mary said...

I thought of you today with all the swine flu talk - knew you would be "thinking" about it. So glad about Merrick - hope all goes well with the 24-hour monitor.


Former Minnesota Matron said...

My husband has been eating kimchee for years to ward off the flu - and he's never had it - so there! He's also stocked up recently - just in case. The world does not yet know about the anti-viral properties of fermented cabbage! Buy! Buy! Buy!

thefirecat said...

Yes, but then you have to eat fermented cabbage.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm wishing Merrick weww. Truwy.

Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

The only way I can stay sane is to try my best not to worry about medical test results I don't have yet. Try to do the same with

~annie said...

Oh, my. I hope the heart monitoring goes well!
I'm positive that Kimchi works. Who wants to be near anyone who's eaten that?!
I wonder how it would go over if I called in to work and told my supervisor I'm staying at home for a few weeks as a "preventive" measure...

TexasDeb said...

Would cabbage in any form help prevent the flu or must it be Kimchi? Just wondering if there is any help to be found in the partial jar of sauerkraut already on hand or the half head of cabbage in the refrigerator. Desperate times call for desperate measures....

Amy said...

I saw someone at my local Byerly's yesterday wearing a face mask. I followed her out (not deliberately--we both checked out at the same time), and when she got out of the store, she pulled out a pack of cigarettes. That left me befuddled.

Amy said...

My heart hurts for Merrick too. And I am nonchalantly keeping my ears plugged and my eyes closed so as not to give myself the swine flu. Cause worrying about it enough is enough to give it to ya.

Minnesota Matron said...

It's the fermentation, folks!

Tammy said...

Fermented cabbage? I think I'd rather take my chances with Swine Flu.

Good wuck to Merrick on the monitowing.

Magpie said...

I hope your little chicken is okay.

Former Minnesota Maiden said...

Ooops! I am Former Minnesota Maiden - not Matron as written above. THERE IS ONLY ONE MINNESOTA MATRON!! (Once upon a time I was a maiden in Minnesota.)

The kimchee comment by annie "Who wants to be near anyone who's eaten that?!" totally cracked me up. You are right!! If I am within 100 feet of my husband after he's eaten kimchee or just near the kitchen after he's opened the jar, I can SMELL it. BLECH!

Does anyone know of OTHER fermented food items that keep the flu away???

She She said...

I developed/discovered a heart issue when I was 23. Every few years I have to wear a monitor for 24 hours just to make sure it hasn't changed. Tell Merrick it doesn't hurt and he can certainly still sleep naked. And he can pretend he's a Transformer!

Daisy said...

Cabbage? I'm only stocking up on airborne and tylenol. Oh, geez. I guess I'd better do a little more research.

yonna said...

Oh sister--please don't let the things you cannot control send you into a tissy. You are doing the very best you can and quite frankly, doing it better than most of us. I'll keep little Merrick in our family prayers--my very best to you and yours.