Saturday, November 1, 2008

When Michael Phelps Gets Performance Anxiety

Here's what Suburban Correspondent said about the Matron signing on for NaBloPoMo:

Hello? You seem to post twice a day already! Your doing NaBloPoMo is like Michael Phelps joining the community swim team.

Why, thank you, honey. The Matron is flexing her biceps. She is buff, all that typing!

And underneath all that bluster and brawn? Your poor little Matron signed up--made a commitment--to post every darn day and instantly got NERVOUS! Instead of standing confidently on top of those 486 blog posts in 396 days, both buoyed and well-grounded by such verbosity, the Matron is feeling a little bit, well, wobbly. Imagine all those posts on top of another, like so many loose dominoes. Down, down, down goes the Matron.

So she's afraid NaBloPoMo will somehow render her silent. Cause her to forget about her blog. Eliminate Idea, all. Fell her, completely.

In honor of her unflagging pathology, her uncanny ability to uncover yet another neurosis--NaBloPoMoPhoBia--little known to the rest of humanity but plaguing the Matron like, well, Plague--in honor of this new Phobia and her incredible Neurotic Talent, the Matron will lift the veil on a few of her current companion anxieties.

  • Rabies. This summer, brought two bats into the Matronly homestead. A man in northern Minnesota recently died of rabies; he didn't even know the bat he caught had bitten him until he started foaming at the mouth. Literally. Toss in two weeks ago, when the Matron stumbled across the tiniest little mouse, asleep in the house. Why, she got within a centimeter of that cuddly creature. It was a BAT. So the Matron has spent some time engaged in the following internal debate: "Should the whole household get rabies shots, just in case?" "Should Stryker get shots, just in case?" "What if (fill in name of loved one except for Satan's Familiar) gets bit and doesn't know it?"
  • Squirrels. These creatures are rats with tails. Rats are not cute. The filthly scrub brush attached to the butt is not enough to render the rat that is a squirrel, cute. The Matron is certain that one of these greedy, malicious little monsters will one day not run away from her, but run up her pant leg. She's positive this will happen.
  • Rabies + Squirrels
  • Transportation, all sort, but with a technicolor focus on automobile, school bus and air plane.
  • Transfats. Sigh. Her poor children! Picture the Matron in the bustling chain grocery store with her reading glasses perched upon her prim little nose, scanning every last delectable nummy treat they might get for the goddless chemical. Worse!!?? The Matron herself, indulging in Holiday Fete, might inadvertantly pass this toxic waste into her OWN PRECIOUS SELF. Ugh! She's shaking, just thinking about it.
  • Head lice. Hang on--she's gotta go check her head again.
  • Escalaters. The Matron gives her mother a win on this one because when the Matron was a Wee Bit of a Miss and scared that the end of the escalater would just grab her shoe and SUCK Wee Bit of a Miss right down with the rest of the disappearing stairway, well, when Wee Bit of a Miss asked her mother if this would really happen? Her mother said, yes. "I know someone who lost two children that way." To this day, the Matron grips tight and her gaze doesn't waver from the end game, that hop off the stair.
Happy November! NaBloPoMoPhoBia. Just in time for the flu season, which is sort of like the State Fair and a free shopping spree at Neiman Marcus for hypochondriacs. Not that she is one. . . .

17 comments:

laurie said...

angie sez you're organizing a midwest get together for bloggers. true? when? where?

Minnesota Matron said...

Hi Laurie -- I'm thinking about a St. Paul eatery, Frosts or Salut or something Thai. I hadn't decided details, but I guess I'll look at the calendar and construe.

Ree said...

Do you mean squirrels are rats with fuzzy tails? Because rats? They have tails. ;-)

Teasing you since you ARE my blogghero.

Rima said...

You forgot about flesh eating bacteria.

Kimberly said...

In the last couple of months I've suddenly become ridiculously paranoid of escalators when I'm with my kids. I just know they're going to need years of therapy to get over my "OK now step, STEP, STEP!!" rants at the top and bottom of the escalator. Poor dears.

Daisy said...

NaBloPoMoPhoBia? If I borrow that term, I'll give you credit.
Elementary teacher that I am, I've seen lots of the phobias you've mentioned (gulp) come true. There was the 10-yr-old who kept leaving school for appts. for her rabies treatments...and the one with repeated head lice, social services didn't think it was a problem...I think I need a new career with fewer phobias.

Lynda said...

You're my bloghero, too!

Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

I once had a debater ask if she could bring her bat to a tournament -- I thought she meant a baseball bat and asked why she needed a bat in order to debate.. she said she was taking care of it -- and I asked what kind of care a baseball bat needed... which was when she cleared up the ambiguity -- and I told her no, that I didn't want the team to get rabies.

Also, you aren't the only one with a escalator phobia -- my mom gave me one as well -- telling me the my toes would be eaten if I didn't pay attention.

Finally -- if you have a blogger meet up, I'd love to know the details! I might even remember to wear my hat, so as not to get so many weird looks -- but, I'll take it off if we'll get better service at the restaurant.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I meant that comment as a compliment!

I'm with you on head lice and escalators. Here we had a rash of children getting their Crocs stuck in the maws of those infernal moving stairways.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I frequently think in headlines. Basically the same fears you have, but condensed into catchy headlines that will be on the front page of the metro section when I (or one of my loved ones) suffers an unexpected demise.

justhay said...

OMG Matron, I just realised you are my daughter in grown-up form.

I always thought rabies was something dogs got, in movies. You know, entirely mythical. That can't be a good way to go...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You have such a list--I plan to enjoy reading about your phobias:)

Julie said...

Oh...just the mention of head lice makes me itchy! And I had totally forgotten about flesh eating bacteria until rima mentioned it. We should start a NaBloPoMoPhoBia support group.

JCK said...

NaBloPoMophobia. A classic. Started by La Matron.

Delicious post as usual.

Welcome to 30 posts in 30 days. So glad you're doing it, too!

Becky said...

I'm doing it too. The posting, that is. I'm sure the phobia will arrive shortly. God help us all!

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