Thursday, May 15, 2008

Shhh! Don't Tell Anyone



But the Matron is not stable.

And some of her favorite blogs are to blame. First, there is an infestation at the Manor. Mrs. G, how are you? The Matron (almost) knows your pain.

Three years ago, just as the Matron was conveniently running a high profile mayoral campaign nearly to D-day (voting!), the school nurse called to inform the already hysterical Matron that her daughter had head lice. Like two.

It appeared the nurse discovered the foul creatures about one minute after they jumped ship from her friend Lia's head, into Scarlett's.

But even one louse is an infestation.

On top of managing a campaign from 5 am till 11 pm (yes it was that crazy), the Matron now had to bag stuffed animals, wash every fiber in the house, vacuum each rug by its individual thread AND spend hours upon hours upon hours combing and sifting and examining the contours of Scarlett's head.

After the two lice were decimated and the five nits removed, she thought she was home free until another LONE LIVE bug was discovered 20 days later!

Sorry, Mrs. G. And the Matron had been combing that kid's head the entire time.

This time, after all the cleaning and laundry, the Matron made her child sleep with this on her head for 22 days.



How deathly afraid of contracting lice is the Matron? Friends, she also slept with that gunk on her head and didn't even have one single bug!

Unstable.

So yesterday, the Matron made her poor husband (who did not know these details when they stood at the alter) check her head for lice--thoroughly, even though he had better things to do than enable.

But her head still itches!

Then, the Matron happened upon HippyHappyHay's tapeworm recitation.


The Matron could not sleep that night, she was so full of this:



It's not your fault, friends. The Matron is so unstable that her hypochondria barely needs a trigger! Her current slightly clogged sinus? Probably cancer.

Indeed. . remember her recent $6000 date with the doctors? (yes, that was the bill the insurance company picked up for that little excursion) Deep down, the Matron knew she was fine and OVER-REACTING.

The Matronly panic over all things physical ebbs and flows. Frequently, she's fine. But under pressure (just ten more research papers and a couple of clashes over final grades ahead!), that hypochondria likes to give the Matron some bling.

Now, the Matron has the unusual privilege of having antibodies for not one, but two endocrine autoimmune diseases - Graves Disease and Hashimotos. When her grading is finished, she'll explain how to tape your eyes shut at night when they stop closing naturally.

Got your attention, hmmm?

She doesn't have to do that anymore. But! Her Judas-body also housed a rare endocrine cancer in its appendix. While she was being treated for that unpleasant condition, her oncologist DIED after heart surgery. It's unfortunate enough to have an oncologist, but doubly so when the person in charge of preventing your death capitulates to that condition himself.

Don't worry. There's a .000000000000000000000000000000000000000009% chance of that cancer coming back.

Still, if anyone has street creds in the Unpleasant Illness Department, it is the Matron.

Today, just after she talked herself down from the cliff of the sinus cancer, a student handed her this research paper: "Bladder Cancer: What You Don't Know Can Kill You."

And the Matron immediately had to pee. All day long. With burning sensation. She assumes this malady will cease when those grades are finally entered . . . .

25 comments:

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I swear to God if I read one more blog post about lice I'm going to set my hair on fire!

Y'all are making me itchy.

Lisa Milton said...

The heebies and jeebies are hard to cast off, when it comes to the bugs.

(Very understandable said one unstable one to the other.)

And I think once you've had some health scares early, you're nervous.

I'm so glad you are doing well, and taking such good care of yourself. Kudos.

witchypoo said...

Even reading about head lice will cause the itchies. I prefer not to think of it as hypochondria. My niece had them and I went to my doctor for an examination, I was that itchy. Clean. It's the power of suggestion is all. No crazies here.

Madge said...

the whole tape worm thing has always been a secret fear of mine. ick. and the lice? excuse me, i have to go comb my hair...

Heather said...

Yeah, thanks. Now I'm all creeped out too.

Mrs. G. said...

20 days later? Kill me. Kill me now. Mr. G. will be heading to the store for mayo.

Jennifer H said...

Thank god school is out soon and I can lock my kids in the house for a couple of months. God help me if I manage to lock a couple of lice in with us.

I'm itching now. Make it stop.

Stay healthy, in all ways.

Noortje said...

I used to be like that. I turned out all to be related to extreme mental stress. You may want to look into that.

hippyhappyhay said...

It could be worse. Once I saw this show about a woman who had eaten some meat in some South American country. It was carrying some type of worms, which ended up in her brain, and ate all these hols in it. You should have seen the MRI!
Okay, I'm thinking that might not have helped...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Y'all are going to force me to tell my lice story. Four separate times in one month. Four kids. Thirteen out of twenty kids in my son's first grade classroom. Sorry Tootsie--I'm gonna have to do it.

Domestically Challenged said...

Give me some petrol Tootsie - I'm up for a flambe too!

Beth said...

All it takes are a few close encounters with some serious diseases and it then makes perfect sense to jump to the worst scenario conclusion when something else comes along.
Stay well!

Mary Alice said...

In 2003 my children came home with lice, I completely used up an 80 load box of Tide in approximately 24 hours. It was awful, weeks of combing through inch by inch long haired daughters, cute new bobs, many tears, exhaustion. The mere memory causes me to itch and cry…..but your story combined with the campaign…where you can’t be hyper focused on either life altering event? Well, that story makes me want to break down, cry, and get hives in post event sympathy.

Optimist said...

MM - Like you I am also a tiny bit paranoid and now I am convinced that by just reading all these posts that our Lice days are coming!!

I'm also probably suffering from some kind of personality disorder when I find your thoughts on your dead oncologist as some of the funniest I have read in a long while!!

Thanks woman! xoxo

She She said...

Oh my god, it's not funny... but it's so funny.

I, too, suffer from a little hypochrondia (okay, a lot). It's not a pleasant way to be in the world, especially when one has access to the Internet and all it's goodness.

Great. Now my head itches....

Ari_1965 said...

Your post is good, but it could be improved by adding a severe mental illness and a sexual-related phobia with humiliating aspects.

jenontheedge said...

Great, now I'm itching too. Plus now I need to read about tapeworms and carcinoids and all sorts of horrid stuff.

Melissa said...

That's so funny. I'm the opposite--I calculate the odds and figure I'm safer than I probably really am.

MamaBird said...

You know, after reading Mrs. G's blog post I went over to a neighbor's house and *after* sitting down on an upholstered (read: lous-y) chair, they informed me that their child has lice. Current tense. I so totes would have waited outside. I too am itching. Sorry bout the burning pee. I promise not to post about the time I had shingles.

Former Minnesota maiden said...

Mayonnaise is a wonderful hair conditioner - I know that from experience.

former Minnesota Maiden said...

Dealing with lice makes one understand such common cliches as "working the bugs out" and "going over something with a fine-tooth comb!"

Celeste said...

Here, I thought my scalp was itching from the poison ivy. Now, I am watching the news and they have a spot on bed bugs and then I read this? You expect me to keep functioning how?

Your writing is awesome!

Manager Mom said...

I think that hypochondria is a near-universal affliction of the Type A set.

I am sure you've already discovered www.wrongdiagnosis.com, but if not, it is guaranteed to provide HOURS of abject terror, so whatever you do, DON'T CHECK IT OUT.

PicaboMama said...

Mmmm, mayonnaise is a substance that causes my gag reflection to go into overdrive. May I make a suggestion that will prevent this kind of torture? Fairy Tales Hair Care products are divine. Just make everyone wash and condition with this stuff and the lice and fleas will never latch again. Check your local kids salon, or look online. It's all natural with essential oils that repel insects, but it smells good too. I am not paid by them, I swear.

Angie said...

I'm knocking on wood as I say, "we haven't experienced the lice situation yet." Just jinxed myself, I know.

Also, the tapeworm story?? I'll never be the same.