Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Crotchety Old Man She's Raising


The Matron thought nobody could love this place more than she -- land of $3. designer blouses and boots. But it is also the land of cast-off electronics and general junk of legendary degree. Think shelf after shelf of silver widget, plastic transformer, bundle of wire and whatnot. There are legions of broken, archaic gaming systems.

Stryker can spend more time scrutinizing an indecipherable pile of electronics than the Matron can try on shoes! He loves this place. It is like date night for mother and son, except they instantly part ways.

The Matron sighed a little sigh on Monday, watching her guy root and route through screws and peer into the broken backs of 25 year old television sets. She just imagines the wall to wall stack of STUFF he will have in his own garage someday. Something about the step of his foot in that store, the way he critically examined and critiqued the goods (while stocking up) seemed more like a man pushing 80 than 13.

But Tuesday night's election result proved this for the Matron. She and Stryker were watching in the family room, alone. The results poured in! Vermont, projected for Obama! New Jersey, projected for Obama! Their very own Minnesota! Projected for The Man!

As that Electoral College kept getting higher, the Matronly hysteria climbed too. She sobbed into her hankie, unbelieving.

Stryker: "Mom! This is crazy. That's projected. Only 5% is in for Minnesota and it's projected? Like even 30% for Vermont and they're projecting? Who can even get excited until the votes are actually in. I totally don't understand all this about election night. Why are we even watching? We won't know who won until tomorrow morning, or maybe even a couple of days. Projecting? Come on. New Mexico, projecting? I can't believe you really believe Illinois will go for Obama when they're projecting. Why are you crying? We have NO IDEA who really won. I'd rather read. Look! Another projection with just 1%. This is absolutely craziness. Why are there election night parties? Why are some neighbors downstairs, just to watch the projecting people?"

When the Matron pointed out that this--projecting--has gone on since the beginning of time and that's just the way it works, please Dear God, sit back and enjoy this?

Stryker continued on, apparantly trying to ALSO talk himself backward to beginning of time when he could finally end an entire nation's Mass Delusion and Historic Mistake. He did not stop, not once. Not for a single minute Sanity Break.

"I mean, we don't know who won! I am not going to be happy about this, no way. Not until the numbers are in. Please. Do we even have to watch this? Now, why are Barack Obama and his whole family there, pretending that they won!? Look at those thousands of people. They have no idea what's really happening. This is complete craziness. I don't understand you people. Not a bit."

And just to insure that he gets to go through his narrative every year until he actually IS the 80 year old he acts like?

Al Franken and Norm Coleman, the Minnesota Senate candidates are under 500 points and one half a percentage point apart, about to begin a mandatory recount.

Stryker: "SEE!! I told you! I'll be happy in January, like two days after Obama's sworn in, just to be safe."

Lovely, sweetheart. Why does your mother think you'll be telling her all about it, too?

9 comments:

Heather said...

Huh. I wrote about a crotchety old man today too.

Your boy is a talker too huh?

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

That was the greatest evening ever. And the speech! 3 of my kids stayed up to hear it.

phd in yogurtry said...

Stryker would have a field day in my office. I keep a wicker basket full of cast offs.

GO'Franken! Man, do I miss him on Air America Radio!

Lisa Milton said...

I think he's fantastic.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

He out-crotchedied McCain!

Jocelyn said...

Oh, I like his passion. He'll channel that into something impressive in the next few years and have your jaw on the floor in awe.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

He IS a funny old man. What a hoot!

drawer queen said...

My 13 yr old also did not understand the tears... "why are you crying? I thought you wanted him to win? Why would you cry??? Stop crying!!" Oh, men.

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