Friday, August 8, 2008

Unsolicited Advice! Love, the Matron

1. Most important first! The Matron is frequently right smack dab on the friggin' money, so advice so dispensed is like gold bullion, baby. Because the Matron noted that Boys Will Be Boys and John Edwards just went and proved her right. Say it ain't so, oh so progressive one! Sigh. . .

So don't let you husband run for political office.

2. But do use a tongue scraper! The Matron learned about this device at a recent yoga workshop and she is a convert. People, well populated colonies grow on our tongues overnight. You can remove them and your entire life will be better, truly! Just don't look at the teeming masses you're destroying or you will faint. The exotic tongue scraper can be found by the toothbrushes in Target Boutique.

3. Skip The Happy Meal -- and all the rest. Kids meals have double the necessary calories! Not to mention contain very little actual flesh and blood food (the Matron will classify these chemical substances in fast food as Food-Like Items).

4. When your dog gets old enough (here we're talking 15.5 years) that he is so blind and unaware of his surroundings that you can take a flash picture of him and he doesn't notice? When he's that old, let him sleep anywhere he wants, even if he chooses to be here, all day, every day. Yes, this would be smack dab in the middle of her kitchen, and it is not convenient.

5. Read today's installment of The Torture Chronicles, below!

6. Have a lovely weekend!

The Matron has a steadily growing number of readers (you're a relatively quiet bunch) and she thanks you!


Memarie Lane said...

Yes, one day you will come to miss all those times you tripped over him.

My husband wants to run for office. Help me.

Laura W. said...

I want to leave a comment letting you know I'm a faithful (Minneapolis) reader so I can substantiate my claim that I read you before you were famous (because you will be).

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I never trusted him - that slick hair is a dead giveaway.

Lynda said...

I sure hope you're saving these letters of torture - whip them out at her graduation party.

Edwards...sheesh...he says he didn't "love" her...that makes it okay?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Your daughter is a hoot. My letter home from camp consisted of "Please (repeated for 4 whole lines) come bring me home." My mom got it on Thursday. I'd written it on Monday. She came to get me at the end of camp on Saturday and I was fine.

I always had a bad feeling about J Edwards. People from his home state said he was a slick one. Hm.

Going to read up on tongue scrapers now.

Ree said...

Damn. John Edwards just broke my liberal heart.

Of course you're getting famous babe. I love visiting.

witchypoo said...

Happy Meals? Fast food is an oxymoron. I hate word verification. I always mistype it.
But I love you.

Irene said...

Mostly I lurk, but that still counts as being a reader, doesn't it. I am a quiet enjoyer. I'll remember that about my dog when he is that old. And to not trip over him. I'll wear elbow and knee pads and a helmet.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Quiet who?

Now excuse me while I step into my closet and SCREAM a Very Judgmental tone about John Edwards.

Angie said...

Damn John Edwards....I was so pissed and disappointed.

I just read an article about the tongue scraper - I'll have to jump on that band wagon.

That dog looks so sweet on that rug - even though I know 'sweet' isn't exactly what you probably call him:)

Also, I'm not part of the 'quiet bunch' of readers, as you well know.

distracted by shiny objects said...

To Whom It May Concern
If you ever find me here lying on the floor
Dead of a broken neck
Please look no further for the guilty culprit
Than the 60 pounds of boxer dog at my feet.
The one who won’t look at you.
He will respond to firm proddings eventually
With a sigh heavy with reluctant resignation
And a look that could speak volumes
If the subject was,

PS. At our home, we have money for college. Or therapy. Not both. Kid's choice :>)

KathyR said...

He's lying ON THE RUG. (The dog. Not John E. John E. lied LIKE a rug.) If he doesn't notice when you take a picture of him, he isn't going to notice if you use the rug to drag him over to the side of the room.

SUEB0B said...

Old dogs just squeeze my heart.

Your daughter - poor baby - how COULD you be such a mean, cruel mommy. (In other news, I predict she will talk about nothing but camp memories for the next 10 months).

San Diego Momma said...

I'm intrigued by the tongue scraper! But will it really make my life better? I want to believe!

I'm going to get one, and I hope it doesn't go the way of the Ped-Egg, which I gave up after one disgusting scrape.

Susan said...

Hi, Thanks for stopping by to visit me. About Brendan...I figured really hot day in a cool theater watching him...I felt better right away.

heather of the EO said...

oh, how can I keep finding so many great blogs...
thank you for stumbling on mine and commenting.
Absolutely love your unsolicited advice!

another mary said...

My daughter did NOT go to camp this year and I just heard from a friend about her daughters and three friends (10-12-year-olds) on a trip to the boundary waters with a girl scout type group and I felt a lurch (how could they send their daughters away to such a remote place) but then I realized that perhaps I'm overly protective? keeping her close for as long as I can is probably not good either? she needs to "survive" a camp experience with her peers? It almost happened but we had to leave town, all of us, on a family emergency. Next year for sure (but not the boundary waters!!)

I agree with laura w, by the way :.)

Kimberly said...

I agree with suburbancorrespondent. He always looked a little too slick to me.

:-) on the doggie. I'd let him sleep there too.

laurie said...

as my husband notes, men who are interested in power also have the need to put their penis in various places.

re tongue scrapers: don't they make you gag?