Educating the Matron

Quite conveniently, one of her children required medical . . . inquiry . . . well on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Now, this was a middling issue, but an issue nonetheless and not quite right for the blog (too private!).

Oh, and thanks for the terrific post on just that, Mrs. G!

The Matron calls the after hours nurse line with her recent five-hour ER visit freshly in her system, sort of like fetid mu shu pork, still swimming in the intestines.

She gets the "we're busy with people sicker than you, so hang on" message and waits for a full 19 minutes before the nurse gets on the line.

Next, the Matron gets a play-by-play of what's appearing on the Nurse's computer screen. A mature voice, Nurse also sounded too disengaged to be monkeying around with decisions of any sort, and like she needed a nap.

Nurse: "Uh. . . this screen is the insurance. Hold on. I need to go to another one for the name."

Please insert JEOPARDY music, here. Tick-tock goes the clock and all that. . .

Nurse: "Okay. Well, here's the symptom screen. Wait a minute till I can pull this up. . . "

Da-da-DAH. .. da dah da

Nurse: "Uh. . is this your address?"

Matron: "YES"

dada da DA dadada da da (the Matron doesn't know the son very well)

Nurse: "Okay. . gotta get there. . . . okay. Got this screen going."

Several screens later, the Matron is allowed to describe the symptoms.

Nurse: "In addition to the symptoms, does X have inflamed eyelids?"

Matron: "No."

Nurse: "Spots?"

Matron: "No."

Nurse: "Shooting leg pain?"

Matron: "No."

Nurse (sigh of failure): "Headache?"

Matron: "No."

Nurse: "Excessive nose bleeds."

Matron: "No."

Nurse: "Tummy ache?"

Matron: "A little."

Nurse (big sigh of relief, having finally found the symptom): "Well, you'll have to take X to the Emergency Room. Symptom X AND a tummy ache together are real serious."

Here, one of those huge sirens went off in the Matron's head as her blood pressure shot right back to its peak performance and her eyes popped out of her head. Really. Satan's Familiar witnessed the whole thing.

Matron --- while pounding the kitchen table like the starving Scarlett O'Hara : "No, No, No!! I will NOT go to the Emergency Room. I refuse! Connect me to the After Hours Clinic RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! THE CLINIC!"

Nurse: "Okay, then."

And she transfered the Matron to the clinic, to which the Matron drove with Child X and was in and out in 15 minutes.

As God is her witness, she will never make an unnecessary trip to the ER again!