Somebody Needs a Twelve Step Program

The first step is acknowledging you are powerless. Nobody said this was going to be easy. But the Matron sees all the signs!

She gasped, reading the symptoms of Substance Abuse:

• Seclusive behavior--long periods spent in self-imposed isolation
  
• Long, unexplained absences
• Lying and stealing
• Involvement on the wrong side of the law
• Deteriorating family relationships.
• Obvious intoxication, delirious, incoherent or unconscious
• Changes in behavior and attitude
• Decreased school or work performance

Seclusion and unexplained absences: Tuesday night, during play rehearsal, Satan's Familiar went missing! Nobody could find that damn dog. Half the children searched and screamed. When they finally located him a good hour later, he was holed up behind a tool shed with a leather backpack. Which he was eating.

Obvious intoxication: Later, S.F. hopped right up on the picnic table and helped himself to half a pound of organic Angel Corn Puffs. Ignoring the bowl of baby carrots, he washed down his treat with the dip for said, carrots, a big bowl of Annie's Cowgirl Ranch dressing. He spent the rest of the evening in visible pain.

Lying and Stealing: Just this morning, Satan's Familiar practiced his Olympian high jump skills and vaulted himself onto a kitchen chair, so that he could eat Stryker's bacon and cereal in comfort. The Matron understood how codependent and complicit her family had become. Merrick ate alongside the dog and just patted him on the head. As for lying? Satan's Familiar can feign sweet innocence like nobody's business.


Decreased performance: For the second time this week, the Matron had to return home halfway through her run to deposit Satan's Familiar in the backyard because diarrhea rendered him too weak to continue (and the Matron ready to toss the dog over the cliff, cleaning up that goo). This time, she was even forced to carry the sorry creature home because his droopy old stuffed junk food eating disordered self was incapable of walking as fast as the Matron, let alone, run. And that also annoyed her.

Deteriorating family relationship: See above.

On the Wrong Side of the Law:



Of course, the Matronly photograph skills render this impossible to read but that USPS? Stands for United States Postal Service. Yes, Satan's Familiar received a SECOND notice from the U.S. government, chronicling his missteps. This one says something like this: "Dog pulled outgoing letters from slot. Only got 1 of 3."

God, grant her the courage to change the things she can.