Wherein the Matron Lends a Helping Hand

Dear Presidential Candidate Herman Cain,

It's way cool that you'd like to be President. The Matron also thinks living in the White House would be a trip. Groovy and all that: movies, bowling, and take-out food eaten in, every day.

The other day when you said you really weren't familiar with the term neoconservative, she was like, who among us can really be expected to know all of the big words?

The Matron is nothing if not the embodiment of generosity. In that spirit, she is offering her short-term -- well, one-time only -- services as Senior Campaign Adviser.

Lucky for you, the Matron just so happens to be an expert on women -- because she is one. Of course, there is that degree in Feminist Studies but let's just forget about that silly old PhD anyway. Who needs so many pesky intellectuals messing things up?

Here's her twofold, one-time, ass-saving advice.

The next time that you conduct any significant legal business, write a little note in your datebook or calendar.

"Sexual harassment grievance settled for ______________. Reminder to self of alleged women harassed ______________. "

The Matron promises that you will find this inordinately helpful in case future events require recollection of such instances. It's so easy! Any kind of date book or calendar will do and it just takes a second.

Second, the Matron completely sympathizes with your love of consistency and the simple statement. It's resounding to oppose something with no exceptions. Authoritative, strong. Presidential, even.

But, Herman, honey?

"I am opposed to abortion without exception, even in cases of incest, rape or risk of life for the mother"

This just doesn't have quite the necessary ring. To be frank, rape, incest and death make that whole abortion thing unpleasant. Messy complications, all that.

Voters like their slogans suffering free.

And a slogan for life that also connotes suffering (all those women raped, betrayed, dying) is just wrong -- in a Way Too Much Information sort of way.

Thankfully -- and this is what you may pay her the big bucks for -- the Matron has an inspired slogan to replace 'no abortion, no exceptions for rape, incest, death.' Even better, this snippet will also wipe out THE ENTIRE problem of those nagging exceptions.

She understands, Herman, how hard it is to power through, On Message, when confronted with the reality of a 13 year old impregnated by her uncle or stepfather. Sometimes a belly pat and "welcome to the family, junior" isn't the best idea.

Her idea? Drum roll . . . . how about: No Rape. No Incest. No Exceptions.

Trailblazer that you are, you can be more than the run-of-the-mill-rich-guy with an eye on the White House. Here's the super fun part: you are the anti-rape and incest candidate. You will campaign on the numbers -- just like the budget. Same concept. Numbers don't lie. Visit Montana? Talk about numbers: the average prison term for a convicted rapist in that state. New York? How many children under the age of 18 are victims of sexual violence?

This is an equal opportunity slogan and concept. Boys and men are victims too.

Not to toot her own horn, but the Matron is inordinately fond of this idea! She's never seen a national campaign revved up about violence against women.

So The next time you have the bully pulpit, forget Congress, forget Wall Street, forget those angry bankers. Save that rage for the sex offenders and you have a sure-fire strategy for success.

You, Mr. Cain, are the Reform Candidate. Starting with yourself.