Monday, November 8, 2010

Actual Conversation

Saturday night, the Matron and her husband were in the car on the way home for a social event (okay, it's a minivan).

Matron: "OMIGOD! Did you catch the warehouse of make-up gooped all over XX's face? She was like the walking storehouse for foundation and eye shadow. I mean NO amount of creme hides four crater wide wrinkles. Just succumb. How long does it take her to do this? An hour? You're so lucky I'm so low maintenance."

Silence. Yes, they've had this conversation before.

John: "Mary, you're not low maintenance. There is a small tsunami of drama surrounding you at every minute."

Matron: "I mean hair and make-up, not psyche."

John (sigh): "But here's my main contention. Hair and make-up high maintenance isn't my problem. Psychological navigation is." Okay he didn't say psychological navigation but that's what he meant and she's better with words, which is why you read this blog

Matron (ready for battle): "Give me one example."

John: "Let me scan the horizon . . . oh, this morning you raced out of the house in your pajamas at 7 am to follow that jeep speeding down the street so that you could make him stop, complain and threaten to call the police for going 50 mph on a residential street. Who else does that--and then relives the event all day while on the phone with friends going through divorces and students and engaged in mortal battle with teenagers that are just as much about the ADULT as the teen? And then there's that crying thing. You really can't be allowed to view any media, print, online or on television. Oh -- letters to the editor. I know you have a 100% acceptance record, but putting post-it notes on the fridge about that might be a bit on the edge. Then there was that time when your mom made you angry and you disappeared for five hours. Come to think of it, you should never ever get involved in political campaigns again. The whole not sleeping or eating thing doesn't become you because then you collapse with the 'why did I commit to this I can't do it' lament before falling asleep. People die without sleep, you know, and people flirting death are a little psycho."

Matron: "Really. I said one example."

It was okay to end the conversation there. And they did.

13 comments:

trash said...

That's just mean. When one asks for an example in these situations the polite thing to do surely is to be unable to remember. Do you think it is worth suggesting he read the rule book again?

kcinnova said...

I think your husband is related to my husband. He keeps telling me I should give up working on the newsletter because it consumes me for an entire week out of each month. (He hasn't yet pointed out that it seems to have taken the place of a certain other cycle.)

Suburban Correspondent said...

Hmmm...maybe the Scarlett apple didn't fall far from the matronly tree, after all?

Ulrike said...

I chuckled at the post and then I chuckled even more when I read Surburban Correspondent's comment.

Love both of you. You're wonderful!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You have no idea how much we are alike--I would totally chase that Jeep in my pajamas.

Xtreme English said...

Just once I'd like to see some jerk speeding through a residential neighborhood so I could shoot out her/his effing tires!

Your husband is lucky he is married to a genteel lady and not white trash like yrs truly.

You go, girl! (You must have great slippers if you can dash out of the house in your PJs and get enough traction to chase a car!)

mkosboth said...

Suburban Correspondent read my mind.

MJ said...

I love you, Mary. We are kindred souls...

sue b said...

so what's his point?

carol said...

Imagine you with all of those daily maintenance duties PLUS the makeup maintenance....that would be over the top. He should be thanking his lucky stars he doesn't have to answer questions like, "Does this eyeshadow make my butt look lopsided?".

megabitbyte said...

I can sure relate to a bit of that. You sound like a very caring and thoughtful person.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Aha, THAT'S where Scarlett gets it!
And my husband just made a similar argument to me when I was comparing maintenance costs (favorably to me, of course) with other women.

Aunt Snow said...

My response to this? An uneasy "Hmmm!" chuckle.

Don't let my husband read this.