Humble Pie, Baked by the Matron

Sunday morning was particularly arduous.

Merrick, who suffers from 'unbearable sensitive prickly skin disease,' could not tolerate his new pants. This is a child who has a uniform without a school requirement: same two pair of blue jeans (now with holes that distinguish one from the other) white Hanes or Fruit of the Loom T-shirt (she mentions brand so one can fully appreciate how nondescript said t-shirts are) and a black sweatshirt (this item is singular but also has helpful identifying holes).

So the intrepid mother went to the thrift store and The Mother Ship (Target) and purchased a wide variety of items without holes -- new pants, new sweatshirt, more white t-shirts. Leading toward a complete psychological collapse of the youngest child.

Sunday morning.

Merrick: "WHAT AWE THESE THINGS PWETENDING TO BE MY CLOTHES?"

Matron: "Merrick, these are new clothes. Here are clothes without holes. They're just your size. Look! New jeans! New white t-shirts! New sweatshirt--black. The same color as required."

Merrick: "These clothes awe EVIL. Whewe awe my weal clothes?" The Matron may have downplayed the number of holes in said clothes. It's significant enough to expect a phone call from the school social worker.

Matron: "Honey, you really need to try on these new things. They're almost exactly like the other clothes."

Screaming ensued.

During this mayhem, Scarlett woke up.

Matron: "Scarlett, you really need to shower and do homework before your tech rehearsal starts today."

Scarlett: "Mom! That is SO UNFAIR. I showered five days ago. I'm not even going to school anymore so I can put off homework. I have TEN HOURS of rehearsals today and I'm SO TIRED."

All true. Scarlett has been to school just six days this entire year. Thus, the earlier home-schooling query. She's currently logging 14 hour days.

Matron: "I know, but do you have to scream?"

Then HWCBN decided to complain, loudly, about his life.

Everyone was in distress. The new (now sixty pound) puppy was trying to eat the tea pot while simultaneously chewing Merrick as dessert. Satan's Familiar pooped in the basement. John couldn't find his cell phone or wallet, something the Matron tried to forgive since she lost the car.

All this before noon on a Sunday morning. The Matron had enough. She gathered her things and announced her departure, in an uncharacteristic move of intolerance and complete surrender.

Matron: "I have to go. I have some errands to run."

HWCBN: "Right. You're just bailing because everyone is upset."

Matron: "Indeed." That's actually a good word, as there's just the right amount of superiority and ambiguity.

The whole household watched in wonder as the mother, heart of the household, stormed out the door. Lest there be any misunderstanding: she stormed. Drama. The Matron was making a Significant Point about Unacceptable Behavior.

She marched out to the garage, hit the door opener and . . . . the door started to open and then sighed, slopped down and died. With the car and her escape inside.

There were a few frantic moments of button pushing and door heaving. The Matron prayed to God-Buddha-Oprah-Universe-Allah for assistance. Alas, the gods appeared to be asleep.

She considered her symbolic departure (from the less than powerful position of the sidewalk by the driveway) and the result of skulking back in. So much for emphasis. She walked back into the house, where the squabbles and upheavals in the kitchen remained in full force.

Scarlett: "I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING US!"

HWCBN: "So much for your dramatic departure."

Matron: "I need help. The garage door is broken."

HWCBN and John came out with gloves, screwdrivers and hope. Merrick found a pair of black gloves -- because that's his color -- and took the role of lifting up the door (with some deceit involved in how much of his personal power might lift the thing). It took some time, but they were able to heave open the door and inspect the broken cables (which later cost $119 to fix). The Matron held her bag, computer and dignity while she watched, at the mercy of men and the very people who were driving her crazy.

John: "There. It's all fixed--you can go."

Matron: "Are you going to make pancakes?"

Merrick, HWCBN, Scarlett: "Pancakes!!! Yes!"

Matron: "Actually, I think I can stay for awhile."

They all went inside and ate breakfast, better.