Tuesday, February 2, 2010

In Just One Day OR The Matron Lives Life Like the Princess Sleeping on the Pea

Heavens! Who sent this meteorological hailstorm her way!? In a single day -- today -- ALL OF THESE THINGS DEEPLY DISTURBED THE MATRON!!!

1. A colleague was compelled to pop open her partially shut office door and share with her the fact that he just walked by a 20 something male student with one finger up his nose and the other down his pants, scratching his butt. If this image and the interruption weren't unpleasant enough, the colleague then went onto say the student was experiencing complete pleasure on many levels. This would be a male colleague. The Matron sorta thought the student crude and disgusting (and completely unaware of social convention) but the complete pleasure comment and the wistful expression on her (gulp) colleague's face gave her pause. And fear.

2. NASA is going to outsource space flight to the Space Station. Shall we let that one sink in? The federal government is turning over flight in space -- in big scary rockets -- to private companies. Oh,now she gets it. Sorta like how they outsource war.

3. California Representative Duncan Hunter was on NPR fretting -- she means, FRETTING as in one could hear the sweat poppin' off his forehead -- about repealing the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" law that prohibits openly gay men and women from serving in the military. Hunter kept repeating: "We are talking about serving in CLOSE QUARTERS" about one million times and with such anxiety that every listener knew damn well how scared that man is at the mere thought of bumping elbows next to a man who thinks Hunter's ass looks fine. It was when Hunter dangled the horror of transgender people and eunuchs serving on the home team that the Matron had to turn of the radio in complete exasperation.

4. Not only can Merrick still not read, he announced today that he has decided NOT to join his classroom's book, for which the Matron is the sole parent volunteer.

Merrick: "I just don't want to. Do you need to know how to wead if you want to be a westlew when you gwow up?"

Freud, are you doing this for fun in the afterlife?

5. After eating a high-end lunch of a bagel with peanut butter, she stood up to discover that half of the peanut butter was creating art on her newly laundered black pencil skirt. Oil stains well, friends.

6. Her mother decided to move to New Jersey to live next to her brother and forgot to let the Matron in on the move. Thanks, Mom.

7. A friend/colleague of whom the Matron is openly (okay at least behind closed doors with her husband) jealous sent the Matron an email at 4:22 in the morning--this morning. The Matron queried and it appears there is among us a Super Woman who rises at 4, travels the world, writes numerous books, wins teaching awards and still has sex with her husband twice a week. She schedules it.

8. Say it ain't so, Darling!!

9. A student who has never once come to class in the three plus weeks since the semester started showed up in her office with this: "Hey yo I've missed class because I was in the Bahamas with my family and then after that ten day cruise I needed to chill and feel like, 100%,, for this class. Dude, it took me a full week to recover. After that my girlfriend wanted to have movie week where we spent every day scoping flicks, so that week was a loss too. Waddya think?"

10. She lives in Minnesota. Six inches of snow. Again.

David Letterman, top this.


Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

FYI -- if your debater-child is competing on Thursday, the "Steck" listed as judging is Hubby, not me...

smalltownmom said...

I had a child fail some community college classes, but I don't think he had as an elaborate excuse as #9. I don't think he had an excuse at all. I don't even think he talked to his teachers. He just fucked up.

Wow, it felt good to be totally honest. Maybe things will get better this semester. "Maybri" was my word verification. Wishful thinking?

Daisy said...

Hmmm...don't wrestlers have to go to college? You know, to get the athletic scholarship. Or is he thinking WWE style? Then he needs to be able to read a script.
Is my rationalization working? I didn't think so. Oh, well, stick to the stickers.

MJ said...

On the NASA bit, I couldn't help but reflect on Alan Shepherd's quote: "It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract." Perhaps things haven't changed so much in 40+ years after all?

MJ said...

I love Amway's SOS stain remover (liquid, not aerosol). Just wash that skirt in cold, hang to dry and after as many washings needed, the oil stain should finally give up.

Suburban Correspondent said...

I'm thinking you meant metaphorical hailstorm? I'm puzzling over it.

I heart Politifact.

I mucho heart Obama. Did you see Jon Stewart's take on the SOTU address? "F..k me? No! F..k you!" Plouffe's back in the saddle, thank goodness, and all's right with the world.

And aren't you the superwoman who gets up at 5 every morning and goes running? Hmmm....

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

A follow-up post on the Mom bombshell might be in order--WTF?!

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

Oh, Matron, who could top that list?

middle-aged-woman said...

Perhaps you should pwesent Mewwick with a contract for his fiwst weswing match. And offer to be his agent. So when he asks you to read it to him, tell him his prize is a miwwion bucks, and his agent gets all of it.

jenn said...

Oh, my. Color me impressed that you haven't sought comfort in a bottle of Jack or prescription pain killers. That's quite a day.

P.S. - I would like a movie week. How does one go about scheduling such a thing?

FlourGirl said...

For the PB stain? Try a little liquid dish soap. Also works on candle wax stains!