Thursday, November 5, 2009

Current Matronly Causes for Concern

Cause for Concern Number One

Given the Matron's hysteria over Merrick's complete and utter lack of interest in all things Letter and Word, she dropped a few hysterical hints to Grandma Mary about Headsprout, a nifty online learn-to-read-tool. Of course, Grandma Mary -- being all things educational herself as a teacher for lo those many years -- immediately purchased said online program for Merrick, despite the fact that small villages in Africa could be sustained for the cost of Merrick's six-month edification.

Now, the Matron didn't give it much thought when Grandma Mary signed up Merrick using her own email and password as sign-in for the reluctant student.


It took Merrick about ten seconds to smell the whiff of parental (okay make that maternal) desperation emitting from the internet.

Matron: "Merrick, don't you want to play that new fun game with the aliens?"


Matron: "You can play while you eat Halloween candy and both dogs can sit in your lap!"

Merrick: "What do you mean, PLAY? THIS IS WEADING."

And so on. . . . that child definitely has to board the bribing bandwagon!

This isn't even the cause for concern. Oh no. Turns out that Grandma Mary, who paid the handsome fee, is getting these regular updates from Headsrout.

"Dear Mary: We see that it's been six days since Merrick last logged in! We hope he comes back to prance with Alien Bob soon."

"Dear Mary: We're concerned that Merrick hasn't visited Headsprout in 10 days!"

"Dear Mary: We hope that Merrick finished level one in the 10 minutes he was logged in. The more time your child spends . . ."

You get the picture.

The best part? Grandma Mary emails each of these updates to the Matron, with no comment. Just the emails indicating that her dollar? Not well spent.

Matron: "Merrick OMIGOD. YOu can't watch TV until you do Headsprout. Grandma Mary is watching!"

Merrick: "Now she knows that I don't like weading even on the 'puter."

Cause for Concern Number Two

The Matron took a good long look at Scarlett's schedule and realized that between this child's current and upcoming shows -- Fezziwig's Feast, Sister Kenny's Children and the Miracle Worker reprised, here -- she just has NINE days without a show or rehearsal until April!

Scarlett: "MOM! What am I going to DO on April 1st!? Have you found any auditions for me! I am INCREDIBLY worried about April 1st! Are you checking the playlist HOURLY?! I don't want to miss my chance! Can you find any auditions for Broadway too -- I bet it is HUMANLY POSSIBLE to get onto Broadway at 11!"

Stage mothers. So pushy!

Cause for Concern Number Three

In case you didn't know, people actually eat these. People with tongues and taste buds.


Wenderina said...

Can I just say how much I love your blog. You are too funny. I am happy to share my world of crazy anxieties with you.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

No current concerns for Stryker or are we still honoring his request for radio silence?



Daisy said...

Twick him into weading? Oh, the nehve of you. Both of you.

Susan said...

They do have radar for those "hidden" educational gifts. And I promise I have not eaten one of those chicken crackers since I was a kid!

Lisa said...

Congratulations on the Pioneer Press! That's pretty cool. :)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I don't think I've even tried those crackers they sound so disgusting.

That Merrick is a savvy one.

jenn said...

My children eat those, I'm ashamed to admit. I find them nasty beyond comprehension; they adore them. I've decided that they get their tastebuds from their father.

Schmutzie said...

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday -

Cha Cha said...

I *heart* all things Matron.

However, I must comment on Cause for Concern Number Four.

Obviously, you've never been hungover or really, really drunk. Chicken in a Biscuit crackers are right up there with McDonald's french fries in my list of alcohol-related culinary delights. Seriously.

And yes, I've got a little of the whiskey tango in my blood.

Karen ~ said...

never eat the crackers, think it's cool to get on Broadway at 11, and STOP WORRYING ABOUT READING.

A lot of gifted boys start reading late. Really, they do. STOP WORRYING! (I'm a former president of the MN Council for the Gifted & Talented. I know thereof I speak.)

Minnesota Matron said...

Thank you, Karen! Really. I am a mess!

~annie said...

Oh, Matron. Merrick will learn! He's already so smart!

I'm all for letting Scarlett try out for Broadway. The sooner they earn their own keep the fewer gray hairs you'll have. Just kidding! Sort of... It's obvious Scarlett is driven. Anything you do would only be supporting her - not really what I think of as "stage mother."

@Cha Cha - Do you think those weird cracker things might work for migraines, then?

Memarie Lane said...

My kids really like the Reading Eggs program, which is about half the price. The only problem is that it's Australian, so my it had my son saying "the ah says rrrr" and "Foyah" instead of fire. My son's tutor says that most boys don't get into reading until ages 6-8.

thefirecat said...

I, on the other hand, wonder if MERRICK has anxiety about reading, and what could be causing that other than picking up the Matronly anxiety on his finely attuned radar. Which is also a possibility.

MJ said...

I love Merritt! He'll discover the joy sooner or later (or he may become one very crafty tradesperson too ~ welders can be quite wealthy!)

Scarlett, that child has so much energy!

Stryker ~ well a little grips of reality (espec. since you don't celebrate the religious season!) is good for him! How about he find a paper-route to earn $$ for his list for Santa?!

another mary said...

Hope it's not too late for you to read this important information but did you notice that Chicken in a Biscuit has no transfat?! They MUST be OK, good for your - right?