Tuesday, October 6, 2009

All Things, Rising

Lazarus and the Phoenix are currently residing in the Matron's house, as Jekyll has made a miraculous rebound and the children are returning to school tomorrow after a bout with what was most likely H1N1.

Rebirth, renewal, return to school!

Honest to God-Buddha-Allah-Universe-Oprah, the Matron nearly pulled the plug on Jekyll, Tuesday, when he apparently lost the ability to stand up-- a skill he recovered completely by Friday and he is now back to bumping into things and falling downstairs.

At the moment, Merrick and Scarlett are watching. . guess what?

Scarlett is actually reciting lines from Elf over the phone, to her best friend, Eleanor, who is also home with the flu.

This blog post is as scattered as the Matronly mind, which has raced between dog-deathbed vigil, convalescing children ("MOM CAN I HAVE SOME MORE GINGER ALE") and her online classes, a gig that means it is possible to be working all the time. You are one click away from a student question.

Now, way back when the Matron first moved into this house she and her husband installed an intercom system. Theirs is a vertical environs, four working floors between basement and third floor addition. Two weeks after moving into the house, the very pregnant (and very old) Matron was on the third floor when she heard DEATH SCREAMS coming from the kitchen, where Scarlett was supposedly sitting alone and watching Barney. She was four.

Death screams, as in the Matron grabbed the phone and dialed 9-1 and waited on the other 1 until she could see what rapist was in the kitchen, as she hauled her fat pregnant ass down two flights of stairs as fast as she could to the sound of her daughter SCREAMING.

Heart pounding, the Matron rounded the corner to find her daughter in hysterics because: the big bad wolf was on Barney. Yes, everyone should have known at that moment that theater was in this family's future.

The end game here is that she realized some kind of communication was needed, so a frightened child could press talk and say: "Mom are you here, I need you?" instead of feeling the need to raise the dead with screaming.

After five days of illness, the Matron is here to tell you that the intercom is a very bad idea. Here is the Matron, in the shower, just a few feet from the basement unit.

"MOM! Are you there? I would like some cereal!"

Here she is on the telephone with her boss, the Dean.

"Mom! My tummy hurts. Are you there? Why aren't you answering?"

Here she is, staggering under mountains of laundry, trying to work her way upstairs for the fun and the thrill that is folding and sorting.

"Mom! Did you see my yellow pen that I used to color in the sun on last week's homework assignment?"

The Matron now cringes whenever she hears the tell-tale 'click' that means an alert is coming.

"Hey! Who turned off the bathroom light on the third floor? I was just going to take a shower."

"Mom my poop is runny! Should we call an ambulance?"

"Jekyll fell over."

Given this delicate state, imagine how she felt when sitting down to check on her online class, a HORRIBLE beeping sound went off: Beep, Beep, Beep!! Beep, Beep, Beep!! Turns out that her online class software includes a PAGER so her students can PAGE her 24 hours a day!!!!!!

"Mary are u there i need u to fix the miss takes in my paper. i have to work in a hour so i need u to do this 4 me fast"

This, dear friends, was the straw that broke the proverbial back. Sweating, swearing and HOT with rage born of circumstance, the technologically challenged Matron FLEW at that computer and figured out how to permanently silence the pager. In the process, she noticed that she'd been paged oodles and oodles of time but never noticed because for some reason, the sound hadn't worked until today.

"Mary! Help! Are you there?"

"Mary I need a big help with the reading assignment. Can you explain what it means?"

"is there any way to get out of this class without filling out paperwork?"

"what good is this pager if i can't get help the minute i need it?"

Good question. Let's see. Absolutely no good whatsoever! This doctor is not the kind who is on call. Well, mostly.

"Mom! Is there food in the kitchen?"


smalltownmom said...

Gorgeous fall photo on your header, by the way.

I can't believe your students can page you. The family intercom is bad enough!

cndymkr / jean said...

The intercom needs to break. Cut some wires or remove the batteries. And as far as the online paging from your students? Delete them.

I'm glad to hear that everyone is feeling better including the dog.

SUEB0B said...

Ah, your dear, dear students, thinking that you should stand by the computer 24 hours a day to fix their miss takes. So cute, so naive.

thefirecat said...

Wow. The minute I need it.

Let's see.

Yup, it's not. Might as well chuck it.

And I bet John can figure out how to "break" the intercom. Only I bet he uses it too, doesn't he.

Laura said...

A pager? I would shoot myself.

Minnesota Matron said...

I cannot tell you how completely insulted I am by that pager function's existence!