The Matron was hugely pregnant. And forty. And 8 days past the baby's due date. Let us just pause and digest that!
Friends, she was also crabby.
How crabby? After her last appointment with the midwife (sorry, Mary, that cervix is closed tight), the Matron went right to her local corner store and purchased a pack of cigarettes.
She thought she'd smoke it out. Being an ex-smoker gave her the wisdom necessary to create this very fine theory.
Please don't yell at her for baby abuse. Because just half a cigarette felled the mother herself. All those years of cleaner living must've given her back her senses. She fell to the ground, hacking.
Since that didn't work and she wasn't in the mood for vodka, she picked up the phone and called her acupuncturist, Bill. Because she suffers from not one, but two inter-related autoimmune diseases (some people have all the luck!), she used acupuncture to buoy the body during the pregnancy.
Matron: "Bill! I am totally completely desperate. You know all those points you don't prick because they will induce labor?"
Matron: "PRICK THEM NOW! Please!"
Bill: "Darling, I am in Houston but I hop on my plane in half an hour. I'll meet you in my office at 4:00. I'll use electricity of wish. We'll zap that creature right out, promise!!"
He was giddy.
He hooked up the Matron and lit her like a Christmas tree. Her body was covered in shining needles. When the treatment was over, he said this: "You should go into labor within 24 hours."
Matron: "I better!" Boy, was she crabby.
Merrick? Even better! He was born 12 hours later. Thanks, Bill!
Tomorrow, she celebrates her baby! Her great big old six-year old. Sniffle!