Tuesday, February 17, 2009

In Which the Matronly Ecosystem is HIGHLY Disturbed and Distressed!!

You see, the Matronly ecosystem is highly fragile.  This is code for:  humans, dogs, cats, frogs, fish, birds, gerbils, hamsters, hermit crabs and even caged small snakes can cohabitate with the  Matron.

Not long ago, however, as she was rambling through the half-finished, much lived-in basement, a shot of fur brushed past her!!  She told herself this was a GIANT mouse, even though said fur blur seemed more like a kitten than egg.  Still. Denial is a powerful tool that's served her well so far, and this was no exception.

Matron to John:  "We have mice.  I mean, really big Superman mice.  I just saw one in the basement and it's like, a rat-size."

John (knowing her well):  "Uh-oh.  That's probably a rat, then, not a mouse.  How big?"

Matron:  "It looked like a four month old kitten.  Only disgusting.  But it wasn't a rat."

John:  "Ummmmm."

Just when the Matron's very fine repression-denial-evasion skills had convinced her that this was a mouse in the house, she saw the creature scuttling across the floorboard again.  Actually, mice scuttle.  This thing lurched.  And it was undeniably as big as a kitten!

Two days later.

John:  "Mary, sit down.   It's about the basement."

Matron:  "OH MY GOD WE HAVE RATS!  I REALLY DO BELONG IN A TRAILER!"

John:  "No, it's a mole.   There's a mole living in the basement."

Little pause.

John:  "Maybe two.  And their offspring."

No! Moles are not on the list of creatures compatible with the Matron's Ecosystem!!!  Especially not by the laundry, the children's playroom, the best shower in the house!!!  

So the Matron must now wear boots and carry a bucket when she enters the very necessary basement.  You see, the plan is that the boots will bear the brunt of venomous Fang while she tosses the bucket over the vermin, locking it in until John - being male and all -- could let it outdoors.   Because she's a girl and can't do this.

She has trouble sleeping at night, imagining chaos in the netherlands.  Whole tribes, colonies, populating.  Can moles strategize and revolt?  How complex is their sentience?   The intrusion is disconserting. 

Think she's hysterical?  Scarlett won't leave her bedroom.

27 comments:

smalltownmom said...

So you won't want to hear my tale of the racoon who invaded my house and pooped on top of a bookcase.

Miss Grace said...

Moles, while distressing, are much preferable to kitten-sized rats.

Becky said...

I get that it's an intrusion, but it is STILL better than a giant rat. Moles have those appealingly wiggly noses.

Ulrike said...

And you won't want to hear about the 9' (3 metre) python I discovered in my garage (which is probably big enough to eat my dog)....

To me, lurking here in the southern hemisphere, it is hard to see the problem. Moles seem such lovely little things. In the many children's books about moles I have read, they are always blind and wise and kind...

Miss Grace said...

I'm a single mother indeed, but that doesn't mean I don't wish for more...time, money, you name it.

You should definitely come to BlogHer, it would be such a pleasure to meet you.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I know from what you speak.

MJ said...

Eeekkkk! Move aside Scarlett, I'd be joining you!

My mother, however, would keep a hammer at the ready (as would have my grandmother). My grandfather killed mice (found in the farm grain) within one hand swoop so his reaction to a mole would have been somewhat similar.

Although I've never encountered a mole, a word to the wise: a bucket likely won't help you much.

distracted by shiny objects said...

Would a re-reading of The Wind in the Willows help??

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Hmmm...want my bats instead?

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Ohhhhhh moles. It must be the week - my student brought a taxidermied one to school for her show & tell speech. I was not the model of grown-up detachment. Ugh.

Godspeed.

Heather said...

Eww. And it brushed your leg? That would have me under the covers for days.

thefirecat said...

Moles dislike Juicy Fruit gum rather a lot. Either that or they like it, so they eat it, but it's not good for them. I forget which.

But stuffing a mole hole with Juicy Fruit gum works fairly well to get rid of it.

Failing that, whack it with a kayak paddle. Both have the desired outcome. Known from experience.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I thought moles only lived in England and story books.

Jaywalker said...

I'm also puzzled. I've seen a mole in the flesh and they are tiny and rather sweet. Perhaps this is a pumped up steroidal Minnesota mole though as opposed to a dainty European one? Think of it as a 'taupe' and the fear will pass.

Minnesota Matron said...

Yes-- according to John moles are tiny and sweet. They don't bite. But they are Wild Life indoors. Something's wrong here.

Beth said...

I'm with Scarlett. I wouldn't go down there even with boots on. Mice I can deal with - moles and rats - no!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh dear. I think moles are better than many other invasive species, though--like rats, mice, mold, ants and lice.

kmkat said...

Wnat to borrow my cat? His name is Hannibal; that is a clue as to his hunting abilities. Problem solved :-)

Professor J said...

You have a mole? Does he have a small girl with him? You should help her escape to the fairies--they're really much nicer than moles. (Sorry--I'm having a Thumbelina flashback).

Erin said...

Ugh!!! We have horrible moles in our yard and just that thought makes me cringe. But to have them in the basement? Of your house? There'd be a for sale sign on my lawn this instant. I feel for you!

Junipers Jules said...

I have been known to have a complete melt-down over a mouse- moles? We would need to be staying in a hotel. Luckily we don't have moles (that I know of) in Southern Utah, plus my little itty bitty dog is a hunter and catches things like that. Good luck with all that.

witchypoo said...

I would so murder the bastard. I keep a product called Ratak, which is a one feeding kill bait, where critters may lurk. My landlady, however, has hired a non-toxic pest control specialist. They keep coming back, but always new ones. The old ones die from the bait. Take that, non-toxic, you don't work.
I want to know how Ulrike got rid of the python.

Ulrike said...

I didn't. It is still there. I figure as long as I look out for the dog, at least the python is making sure there are no rats or mice around (or moles.... ha)

Minnesota Matron said...

Oh my God! I cannot get beyond the python!

Daisy said...

Moles? and their offspring? Oh, city life. It's just so unpredictable.

Amy said...

I sympathize. Even when we've had rats in our ATTIC, I can't sleep cause I'm thinking about ways they can get into the house.

I hope John (or some other non-you person)catches them for you!!

justhay said...

Awww, moles are cute! Granted I don't have one in my basement. Or country, if we are getting technical. But Sienna has a picture book with a mole in, and when she sees it she yells, "Moooowwwwlllll!" Lol.

You're not feeling better are you?