Monday, December 22, 2008

The Matron and Machinery . . .

have incompatible operating systems. Yesterday, the technologically-challenged Matron discovered that an hour at Life Time Fitness requires more than sole to ground. There are machines. To operate. See the stair machine above?

She fell off of it.

Because she set the speed insanely high and couldn't get it to stop.

Now, that endeared her to the staff, who made haste regarding law suit (don't!) and setting up the sad middle-aged woman on a safer, flatter, plane. But nobody showed her how to work the darn thing, so she spent her entire 45 minutes on this

trying to get the elaborate dashboard to tell her how many calories she'd burned OR what her heart-rate rose to. At least she didn't fall off.

But then, there's this.

Friends, this machine felled her before she even turned it on. Indeed, the oven has the ability to render the Matron a hopeless fool in its presence. There are some kind of brain implants sent through the airwaves, she's certain.

Because her husband is a realtor (no need to send $, yet, but talk to her in February), she is baking cookies instead of buying gifts for friends and neighbors. The only glitch to this highly rational plan is that whatever she puts into an oven is magically baked into an inedible item.

Decorating the cookies?

John said: "Are you sure? Remember how you ended up throwing three dozen botched reindeers out the back door five years ago?"

Wise man, although she will deny that.

So she settled on two cookies, impossible to ruin. No decorating.




No fuss. Just bake and shove chocolate in the middle.



She was all fine and go with the flow after scorching the bottom of the first batch of pretzel m & m's. Who doesn't forget they just put fifty pretzels in the oven?

But when the peanut butter-kiss cookies turned up, post-oven (BAD machine!), all soggy and muck -- unable to host the Hershey Kiss, even -- the Matron was ready to throw in the towel.

Turns out she forgot the two cups of brown sugar.

Damn that oven! It's under Satan's Familiar's s, spell, she's certain. Two ruined batches of two different recipes under belt and only six more to go. . . . .maybe she'll fall off the oven.

21 comments:

smalltownmom said...

My oven overcooked my lasagne tonight...but I was distracted by blogging and forgot to check it.

Then it burned my garlic bread...but again I was distracted by my husband actually wrapping a christmas gift and then the doorbell rang and the company was here...

So I guess I really can't blame the oven after all. I should be grateful it actually works. It is much nicer than my former oven, which undercooked everything. We gave up on it after the semi-raw turkey!

Daisy said...

I'll bet you don't each straight from the manual, either, do you? :)

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Hey, at least you didn't botch the cookies in front of a junior high Home Ec class (yes, I once did; hard to live down).

Better luck next time (?).

Mrs. G. said...

I similarly suck at exercise and baking.

Jocelyn said...

Sometimes running outside in -11 temps sounds preferable to the machinated alternative.

On a similar note, could you find a different way to "bake" cookies...Perhaps you could buy a box of no-bake dessert and then cut it into squares that you pass out to friends and neighbors. If you put them on whimsical plates, no one would be the wiser.

Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

I have no input on the oven, but at Lifetime, those readouts rarely work...they depend on sensors in the grab-bars and those are not accurate.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Baking? That's a word worse than the "F" word. No. Wait. Crafts. That's worse.

Jennifer said...

Try these:
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/No-Bake-Cookies-V/Detail.aspx

No baking required! And mighty tasty!

Now. Stay on your feet.

Amy said...

Heh. See my blog today, Matron, for some pretty fail-proof and easy-peasy cookies.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

I can't bake cookies in any kind of oven. A curse rests on me, so I don't even try anymore and I buy expensive store bought ones.

I am picturing you falling of the stairs machine and I am having a chuckle at your expense. I'm always happy when you throw in a bit of humor.

Lynda said...

Exercise equipment and cooking in the same post. You are brave.

Buster said...

I once misstepped on a treadmill, part of my foot landing on the spinning tread and part of it landing on the stationary on the side. This, somehow, created a spinning effect and I went careening off the side of the treadmill into the treadmill next to mine.

The man on that treadmill was understandably startled by a screeching blond woman invading his personal space, and he lost his balance and went stumbling off the back of his treadmill as well.

I am now careful to maintain a one-machine buffer between myself and any other worker-outers.

Balou said...

I always burn the last batch of cookies. Never fails. I wonder if you burn more calories with the adrenaline rush of falling off an exercise machine? There might be something to that.

Yolanda said...

YOu sound a lot like me.Have a wonderful holiday.

justhay said...

Awwww.

I'll bake your cookies if you do my exercise ;)

Ree said...

There's a reason I stay far, far away from that heathen machine in my kitchen.

thefirecat said...

My problem is infinitely worse than yours. I suck at exercising, but EXCEL at baking.

Do the math on that and then get back to me.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

At least you've overcome the computer--one machine at a time:)

Julie said...

I went sliding off the back of a treadmill once. It was very "I Love Lucy" like. :)

My oven cooks hot. If it says cook at 350 for 20 minutes, I cook at 325 for 15 minutes. We're getting used to each other. When the time comes to get a new oven, I'll probably burn down the house! The pretzel cookies do look good, though. :)

Heather said...

Wow I didn't know it was possible to botch those pretzel things.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You need to figure out which one of your children has the baking gene and hand the job over to him/her.