Saturday, November 22, 2008

A Saturday Night in a Well-Seasoned Marriage

Seasoned as in 17 years of cohabitation.

Toss in three children, two jobs (one in real estate, good God!), one deaf-blind incontinent 15-year old dog whose food and dignity are constantly being stolen from him by the treat-stealing, humping Satan's Familiar, the 96-year old house with its Repair Menu -- well, that well-seasoned marriage is simmering in about 15 complex and sometimes, downright uncomplimentary, marinades, simultaneously.

Because she teaches an 8:30-12:30 Saturday morning class that has only 6 students ( although 6 is better when it comes to the grading, actual classroom song and dance requires massive energy on the Matron's part, keeping this bunch awake and engaged long enough to discuss the art of The Short Story for FOUR HOURS), the Matron went to bed early last night. Early being midnight -- and with Scarlett as her bed partner, given that her daughter had recently arrived home from the theater, tired and in need of Maternal Cuddle. So bestowed.

John, in the meantime, stayed up until nearly 2 am watching Oprah!

Today, driving together in the van, the following conversation ensued. Children are in the back, listening to music.

John: "Wow. That Oprah show is kind of amazing. Lots of really intense stuff. You should watch it."

Matron: "At 4 pm on a weekday or the middle of the night?"

John: "I couldn't believe they were so frank -- used the language they did. The whole show was about sex in long-term marriages. How to keep the love flowing. But they were very anatomical. Just amazing that you can do this on TV."

Matron: "Hmmmmmm. Oprah can do anything she wants. She owns TV."

John: "One thing that really struck me was how that housework is like an aphrodisiac. An afternoon of household chores -- vacuuming and that kind of stuff -- is like an afternoon of foreplay. All those wives on the show swore that was so."

Matron (considering 4 hour foreplay or 4 hours of husband cleaning house -- you all know her answer): "True."

Scroll forward to this very moment. It's 6:22 pm on a Saturday night.

Guess who's downstairs mopping the kitchen floor--with dinner in the oven and a deep cleaning foam on some stained carpets-- as she types?

21 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I fell asleep last night watching that Oprah episode.

Rima said...

A smart one, that Mister Matron!

smalltownmom said...

Oooooh! Have fun tonight!

Becky said...

(cue the funky backbeat)

Awwwww, yeeaah!

And it is totally true!

BipolarLawyerCook said...

You lucky, lucky woman. Although, mine did just fold the laundry. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

justhay said...

Bwahahahaha!

thefirecat said...

Bow chicka wow wow! Go get 'em, Matron!

kmkat said...

Yeah! Have fun, you two!

JCK said...

Nothing like the scent of fresh pineSOL and dinner made by someone else...

All Adither said...

A clever man you married. Now it's time to do your part and don something slinky while he toils.

Jocelyn said...

That he is still innocent enought to have his attention caught by Oprah that way...well, it's very charming.

If you let him see Rachel Ray, you guys might end up with a fourth child.

M said...

Oh god, Firegazer just did all the dishes and cleaned up after our dinner party tonight. That doesn't mean...really? Hope he doesn't watch Oprah.

Mary Alice said...

Scrub that floor baby, harder,faster, oh yes, yes.

What?

Memarie Lane said...

shoot, i have to use reverse psychology on my husband. when i wrote my "how to be a sex god" post i wrote it fully aware that doing so would mean brad would NEVER do anything i suggested. i did it for the people.

Jason, as himself said...

Ha! I love it. You have quite the husband if he's watching Oprah in the middle of the night and then following Her cousel.

And these comments from all of these other long-term marriage wives? They frickin' crack me up!

"Scrub that floor baby, oh yeah, harder, faster." I love it.

thedomesticfringe said...

I'll have to pass this info on to the hubby...my whole house should be clean soon.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I bet he got lucky, didn't he:)

KnittingInMySleep said...

Just imagine what a whole week of household chores would be like! ;)

Wenderina said...

That post was so awesome. Gotta love that Oprah penetrated the mind of a married man.

witchypoo said...

I've always thought you had to train them early by telling them that it makes you hot when he does domestic chores. Good to know he will get it after 17 years as well.
The only trick is he MUST be rewarded. The Matron must also refrain from hanging a "I do domestic chores for sex" sign on her spouse.

blue milk said...

Your partner's transparency is adorable. I think Oprah is totally on to something.