Monday, November 17, 2008

Boy Germs

Outside of the suite of faculty offices sit two bathrooms, side by side. Women. Men. These are closet-size bathrooms for one -- just the basics, folks.

Now, the Women's Restroom is very busy. Its door? Revolving. Sometimes, there's a line. For about ten minutes before and after a flurry of classes start and end, there is always a line.

Remember, the Matron has a bladder the size of a pea. Thanks to a prolapsed uterus -- wait, thanks to MERRICK who weighed TEN POUNDS at birth--that pea now hoists up her football stadium-sized sagging sack of a uterus.

It took about 1/2 work day and thirty thousand trips to that bathroom and just ONE minute waiting in line for the Matron to decide to skip all this nonsense and use the Men's Restroom when the Women's was in Party mode. She never ever has to wait.

No man is aghast when she exits, either.

But the women?

Girlfriends! Men are not responsible for cleaning this bathroom! No, there is a very fine team of Janitorial staff, men and women, who get paid for keeping both bathrooms clean. And they are. The adult men using this toilet don't appear to have the Stream-Aim-Fire problem that leaves her own bathroom at home, well, messy.

Then there's this.

Merrick in bathroom: "Daddy! Daddy! Let's fight with out pee swords!" Everyone with a penis comes running and they ring around that potty and slash each other's pee. In the meantime, Scarlett and the Matron are busy deploying their own Uterine Tracking Devices to locate all the things the males lost or dropped or forgot about while they were playing with urine.

So this college sanitary Pee War Free Zone is just lovely. The toilet is scrubbed, daily. The sink and floor are clean. There's always plenty of toilet paper and paper towel.

The Matron has tried to convert the sisterhood, but they'll have none of it. Here's the Matron, sauntering past the line of women, waiting: "Use the men's bathroom. I do it all the time!"

Here's what she gets in return for that very fine unsolicted advice.

Ugh! Never.

No way. That's disgusting!!

Today, one young woman actually recoiled in horror. Consider that phrase for a moment -- we've all heard it. Recoiled in horror when the Matron suggested sullying herself so. Given that said young woman could have been seen exchanging salivia with her boyfriend about ten minutes earlier, the Matron thought her a complete hypocrite, all "boy germs' and such.

Then again, that young woman's uterus -- and breasts -- are probably sitting all high where they should be, she probably doesn't have children who sit in closets, build laptops or revel in warfare, and she isn't spending her mornings checking the house for rabid bats.

So the Matron wil continue to use the Men's Restroom. She's special that way! And in some others. . . .


Ree said...

I would so do that. In fact, I have, in the case when I had to go really, really bad and the janitors were cleaning the women's room.

The only bad thing is that the bathroom I used had several urinals that the men were using at the time. I just averted my eyes and apologized as I made my way to the stall. Hee.

phd in yogurtry said...

I used the men's bathroom a few weeks ago at a restaurant / live music venue. Life is too short for standing in lines (and unhealthy for our bladders), when we don't have to. And thinking its disgusting? Grow a pair!

M said...

I am more than happy to use the male restrooms. More than happy. I really think unisex restrooms are the go.

Mind you, at the last event I went to I surveyed the male restrooms and, being unable to enter on account of the stench, preferred to wait 15 minutes with the other ladies. Some janitors cannot keep up with urinal cleaning...

Anonymous said...

I would totally use the men's bathroom, too. And have, on occasion.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

If I were you, I would encourage the other women to think that the men's room is disgusting. You don't need any competition in there.

Jennifer H said...

Suburbancorrespondent makes a good point!

I would use the men's, too, under those circumstances (and cleaning practices).

The Boisterous Butterfly said...

Men can be pretty disgusting, apparently they all wait to take a dump until they are at a public forum and then go, leaving their tracks everywhere.

Rachelle said...

I agree with the flexibility policy, with the sole exception of gas stations. Dear God In Heaven, do NOT go into the guy's bathroom in a gas station; that's where dirty toilet paper fairies go to die!

Tammy said...

I'm with you Matron, bring on the no-wait, sparkly clean Men's Room!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I have used the men's room on many occasions--it is usually cleaner since most men use the urinals and generally women look at me in admiration for being too smart to waste time standing in line.
Pee swords? Good grief! I'm SO glad Team Testosterone doesn't know about THAT game!

Peggy Sez.. said...

With all the men here in DivaLand all my bathrooms are "The Mens Room" So what's the difference I say. ;p

Memarie Lane said...

i did that once at a fast food restaurant and when i came out a man was waiting. boy did he give me the evil eye. have you ever noticed that the men's room always comes first in a hall? brad says it's because we need the room for our line, I say it's sexism.

Life with Kaishon said...

I fully applaud your use of the men's bathroom! It just makes PERFECT sense! I think you are brilliant!