Wednesday, October 22, 2008

When the Matron Does the Math

Ah, yesterday's blog post makes the Matron sound professorial, doctoral - - all that.



Earlier today, she decided to calculate the cost of driving from her doorstep to Hudson, Wisconsin, so she could give Mary Poppins a gas card.

There was Mapquest. Followed by Matronly furrowed brow.

17.3 miles, from hearth to Phipps. Because things like . in between numbers causes new wrinkles and sweat stains on expensive second-hand clothing, the Matron rounded up to 20.

Next, she googled 'average gas price in St. Paul,' a number which appeared to bounce more erratically than Satan's Familiar on his onto the kitchen table. Because she's thinking generously -- wanting to halve the cost of gas for the dear sainted soul who is driving her daughter, and maybe then some -- she settles on the highest possible current prices (things could get worse again!), $2.69 a gallon.

Dr. Matron then pauses to consider (damn you, new wrinkle, deepening crease!) how to proceed. Oh! There are two ways to Hudson - there, and back. So she settles on the nice round 40 miles per trip while thanking Buddha-Allah-Oprah-God that she is not the one driving.

Next, she counts the number of times Frau Schmidt drives Marta. She gets 23.

Straining, she multiplies 2.69 x 40 and gets $107.60. She then multiplies $107.60 by those 23 trips for a tidy total of $2474.80. Wow! Here, the Matron has a pang of compassion for the sweet lady driver, forking over so much cash. What sacrifice! What generosity! (yes for those of you who see how stupid she is already, she actually experienced said emotion)

The final steps is halving that $2474.80, which she does. The damage is $1237.40 . Plus a tip.

Doing this math, the Matron realized that she had NO IDEA that transportation was so expensive! Why, she must spend, like one million dollars a month just driving children around! How come she never noticed this before? No wonder Alaskan oil sounds good! Maybe Sarah Palin ws onto something.

Still, as she got out the check book, that large number gave the Matron pause.

So emailed her thought process, calculation and dollar amount to John, querying: "This $1237.40 for gas seems sort of high, but I think we should pay half, and then some."

To which, he shot back: "Have you been taking the emergency-only-air-travel-and-job-interviews Xanax again?"

In the end, the gas card will be for a generous $80.


SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Relieved to hear that you do get more than one mile to the gallon...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Were you the one that originated that e-mail about how instead of the bail out each citizen could get $725,000?!

allmycke said...

Haven't we all experienced total meltdowns on occasion? Mine was over the price per kg of cashew nuts as opposed to peanuts...

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

The emergency-only-air-travel-and-job-interviews Xanax is also for math. Duh, John, duh.

LI Laura said...

I didn't realize Frau Schmidt drove a tank.

Tammy said...

Um, I must've taken the Xanax this morning two because I had to read the Matron's post twice before I figured out where the error was. Must be the yarn fumes.

Tammy said...

Did I really just do that?? I typed "two" instead of "too" in my comment. I think The Grammer Police are going to ask me to turn in my badge & comma gun.

Heather said...

That is hilarious. And I thought I was terrible at math.

Jocelyn said...

As ever, you make me feel less alone in the world.

Anonymous said...

There is a great T-shirt in the current Signals catalog-

"English Major
You do the math"
Chris in NY