Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Female Anatomy

One

After school, Stryker dove into the grocery bag on the front seat, starving.

He retrieved this: "What is this snack? Kloh-r -eye-n free tame pones? Is this candy? A tamepone? Can I try one?"

Me: "That would be chlorine free tampons. The things women use when they have their period. To catch the blood."

That box catapulted from his hand, fire. He recoiled. Nearly bathed. Yes, he'll make a fine husband.

Two

The Matron, not understanding her life was in danger, blithely drove across University Avenue today. And--someone ran a red light.

As in tires screeching, vehicles swerving, momentary mayhem as the wayward car aimed it's briskly paced self directly at the Matron's door. Instead of seeing her life flash before her, she saw the man on the corner gasp and drop his brief case, all horror.

When the wayward vehicle straightened itself and beat a hasty departure--missing the Matron by about one inch--she pulled over so that every neuron in her body could snap, crackle and pop before dissolving.

Three

The totally hypothetical philosophical question of the day for all forty-something mothers of three who sometimes forget to Kegel and have given vaginal birth, three times, and occasionally endure the extremes of Bikram Yoga.

Is it okay to pee in the shower at the gym?

24 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Yes. Definitely okay. And sometimes just plain unavoidable.

Glad you're still alive!

slow panic said...

hey, why can't Bikram yoga fix the problem? that's my question.

and #1? all you have to say to those boys is B L O O D. and they are outta there.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Near death experiences are so exhilirating.

I'm not equipped to answer the question because I never, ever shower at the gym. It's 3 minutes from home so I just go home and pee in my own personal shower!

Cheri said...

Just straddle the drain and you're fine.

Mary Alice said...

Good grief. Glad the red light idiot didn't hit you....and ummmm...no.

dkuroiwa said...

Hmmm..peeing in the shower...in public...sure, you could do it. But sure as anything someone will see you and it'll be George Costanza ALL over again!!!
If you do...make sure there are lot's of bubbles to camouflage and being away from others would be good.
Glad to know you came out of that experience in one piece. I probably would have peed...in the car!!!

Melissa said...

Oh my gosh! I can just picture that boy tossing those tampons like they're dripping with hot lava! I'm still howling!
Thank GOD you're okay. How horrifying!
Yes, pee away. I don't know what that kind of yoga is, but if you gotta go, you gotta go. Ya know?

Peggy Sez.. said...

These days if I just THIHK too hard I have to go so by all means go in the shower!

Thank goodness you didn't get crashed into at the red light.:0

And last but not least boys never want to hear female "stuff' from their MOMS...cool ain't it?

liv said...

we are so lucky that you are safe!! heavens!

(oh, and tell slow panic that Bikram can't fix any problem. except if you're cold.)

Domestically Challenged said...

So glad you are ok...
...that slow motion thing is just horrible.


What is Kegel? Is it doing your pelvic floor exercises?

Because if so, nobody actually does those until it's too late!

Heather said...

Is the guy on the sidewalk okay too? Sheesh. I hate other drivers sometimes.

#1...hilarious.

Mrs. G. said...

Have you ever seen the Seinfeld where George pees in the gym shower. The entire show is devoted to this philosophical question. Like Jenn, I go home and shower. I have always had issues with public showers...just not a fan.

Wenderina said...

OBNOXIOUS COMMENT ALERT: Take this as a friendly note and not some snarky comment. I work for an environmental engineering firm and I just have to point out - the drain in your shower does not necessarily go to the same place as your toilet - home or gym...keep that in mind.

That being said - glad you didn't collide and if that were me I would have peed in my pants, not the shower.

Domestically Challenged said...

Did you know tap water in London is generally accepted to have already 'been' through seven other people first! YAK!

Professor J said...

I'm so glad you were not hit.

Rima said...

Tamepone. Sounds like a musical instrument.

Anonymous said...

As a person who has never done Kegel, or given birth vaginally (or any other way) - come to think of it, I don't even have a vagina - or done Bikram yoga, I can tell you that yes, it is absolutely OK to pee in the shower, the Seinfeld episode or environmental engineering issues not withstanding.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Oh my gosh, I am so glad you are okay.
Your boy is way too funny I agree that the shower thing is just sometimes unavoidable. Unfortunately.

laurie said...

oh god that happened to me in st. anthony park not too long ago--someone decided to drive across como ave and then so very nearly broadsided me. i had to stand on the brake

what i remember about the moment was the look on their face as they flashed past my windshield--the guilty smile, and the annoying little wave.

i'm glad you're ok. very glad.

Minnesota Matron said...

Just to clarify: the Matron does not willingly pee in the shower -- or her panties. Willingly is, yes, the key word.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Yikes! I'm glad you made it through the red-light fiasco safely and could digest exploding neurons.

Angie said...

It's amazing how one idiot can make you realize how short life can be, huh? So glad you weren't hit.

Pee in the shower? Go for it. If you're like me, there isn't a lot of choice involved most of the time.

Boys and periods. When my husband is hugging and kissing all over the girls and they are sick of him, all they have to say is, "dad, I'm having my period" and he lets go! It's hilarious - men are still boys in so many ways.

rebecca said...

loved the first one...hysterical!

Kimberly said...

#1: HA! That's excellent. I can just picture it.

#2. So scary. Glad you're OK. Nothing like a near miss like that to really wake you up for the day though.

#3. Totally OK.