Dear Congresswoman Michele Bachmann,
Today, I read in the newspaper that you have introduced this very important bill: "Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act."
What an inspirational title!
Just last night, I tossed and turned, full of fear that I might not be able to enjoy my God-given right to purchase the light bulb of my desires. Thank you for leading this fight. Our liberty is at stake, after all.
Only you would have the acumen, grit and foresight to prevent the government from phasing out conventional light bulbs in favor of energy-efficient compact fluorescent lights.
How dare that selfish Big Brother government attempt to eliminate household items that use much less coal, thus lowering greenhouse gases and mercury. After all, my individual right to have a good old-fashioned coal-guzzling light bulb illuminating my bath mat is more important than breathing.
The audacity! I blame that big old Al Gore for stirring up all this trouble. He should just move to Tibet and hunker in with the Dalai Lama. China can take care of them both.
Thank you for having the courage to say that human contribution to global warming is "voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax." My children and I sleep easier, knowing you are making key decisions regarding our well-being and safety.
I will definitely be joining your fan club.
Would you please do me a great big favor, pretty please? We need someone like you to take her perky little self up to Antarctica, where an ice slab seven times larger than Manhattan just collapsed.
All those ridiculous scientists and scholars (you know, those who can't do, teach) claim this is linked to global warming and they blame us! They're blaming us decent, gas-guzzling, McMansion-maintaining Americans. I could weep.
Thank you for your time! I hope you got your Presidential hug and kiss today, honey. I'm off to run every appliance in my household before driving two blocks to buy the bananas that came from Guatemala.