Please, Don't Make Me

The Matron is unduly attentive to all things Body. She understands, profoundly, that good health is the gold ticket.

This wasn't always the case. As a Young Maiden, she inhaled. She tripped the light fantastic and this was not always in dance. Her body clicked and hummed like a fine machine and was the consistent (if highly problematic) object of the Male Gaze. When the party was over, she made babies with ease and speed.

But after baby number two, the Matron fell victim to various woes. More on this later. Suffice it to say she became enamored with preachers of health along the lines of Andrew Weil and Deepak Chopra.

She became vigilant. Health fiend. She switched from bloody burgers to crisp tofu. She had a brief affair with macrobiotics. Most importantly, she took up Exercise.

To this day, the Matron has Rigid Routine: run 4 miles for 4 days, 1 day of yoga, run 4 miles for 4 days, day of rest. Repeat.

She does 50 sit-ups every morning.

She takes a handful of vitamins.

She even remembers her brain is a muscle and signed on to learn that fourth language (okay, her Mandarin Chinese is now non-existent but still sounds good, in theory!) just to keep that organ taut and ticking. Even the blog was quantified as so much creative juice---flex that hemisphere!

Her health is good. She gives her regime nary a glance or second thought, assured that she has all the bases covered -- that she is a rock star exercise fiend. She doesn't feel so much righteous as sated.

So this week, public radio told the Matron of Incredibly Important New Study proving that without regular Kegel exercises, she will without question face an advanced age of diapers and constant trickle. Have a baby or three, and unless you pump that muscle, you will order Depends online, in secret.

The radio report was full or urgency and instruction. Have a minute at a red light? Do those Kegels. Waiting for water to boil? Time to Kegel! In sum, any minute of repose and quiet can (should!) be used on Kegels. Talking to your mother-in-law on the phone? Tighten up, sister. Or else.

Why, it sounded so vital, the Matron is amazed that pee isn't running down her leg, right now.

But. Friends? Waiting for water to boil? The red light? The phone? When the Matron is paused at the steering wheel, her eyes begin to close and limbs relax because she is captive. She doesn't have to sweep a floor or carry a kid. She adores the singular task, the one in which the body can breath and settle.

The Kegel appears to be omnipresent, an endless demand. Why, the Matron should be improving that pelvic floor right now. One can type and tighten.

She wishes she hadn't turned on the radio.