Certifiably, The Matron

Here and there, the Matronly post hints at the intensity of this household. Hers are not a quiet people. Once, the Matron was talking to a friend who is a child psychologist and the friend said this: "Mary, there are children alive who are laid back, mellow, low maintenance."

Matron: "Ha! Good one. Now I'm buying that swampland AND the authentic Louis Vuitton bag from the guy in the alley!"

Psychologist Friend: "Really. I'm not joking."

Matron: "Oh my."

While the Matron was shaking her fist at the gods, tricking her so, her husband reminded her: "Uh, they take after you, honey."

Not that again! She hates to be reminded that her little apples are not falling far from the maternal tree. Sort of makes the whole nutty situation her fault.

Did you know that a child's boy gun can shoot TicTacs? At this very moment, Merrick is outside in the 90 degree weather in a black turtleneck, camouflage pants and mirrored sun-glasses -- which is the outfit he's been wearing for nine days, ever since Stryker appointed his baby brother to the post of personal Body Guard. So now Merrick is on his belly, shooting TicTacs at Stryker's potential assassins, with a fellow body guard, Jack shooting alongside (apologies to this mother!).

Merrick is the child the Matron describes as 'laid-back.'

During last night's Tornado Watch, the Matron could not peel her screaming, hysterical daughter from her neck. Like a wind-up doll, Scarlett screeched, closed windows, called friends and family members on the phone to alert them of danger, wailed and ran through the basement until the exact minute the damn watch ended. Then she stopped, just like that and said, "When's dinner?"

The fine line between hysteria and God-given dramatic flair will be sorely tested throughout this coming week.

On Saturday, July 26 at 4:30, Backyard Productions presents its Third Annual Show: Peter Pan. Yes, it is time for Scarlett to once again drag her whole family through back yard theater. This year's show has a cast of over 30 children!

On Saturday, the 9th Annual Matron-John Block Party follows the performance. Block party is a misnomer. About 200 people show up. There is a band. The fire department brings a truck for the children. There's a pinata, a GIANT pinata. Every attendee brings food! It is the world's largest potluck!

Wait! Read the first line of this blog post again. Point made yet?

If not, consider this. From Monday through Friday, those 30+ children will be rehearsing, set-building, costume-making, sound system establishing, choreographing, dancing, EATING (a lot) and singing from 6-8:30 in her back yard.

The mermaids will need a lagoon and the pirates, a ship. How to evoke Neverland with all its whimsy, promise and peril? Walking the plank has been bothering Scarlett all week, not to mention the whole issue of flying. Stryker's worried about how the Crocodile suit will be created. Merrick is already working on his four lines. If they could create stars for the journey to Neverland, wouldn't that be great? And is there formal wear for the parents as they prepare for the party?

On top of all this, Captain Hook's aunt tragically died and that child is at this very moment on his way to Oregon. We're sorry, Tommy. The Matron hopes every reader gives a prayer and moment for that lost life.

But now she needs a Hook!

So for the next week, she will be navigating Scarlett's dictatorial and dramatic psychological terrain. She will be surrounded by hordes of painting, hammering, sewing, singing and dancing children in circumstances that will undoubtedly dissolve into utter chaos most of the time. In her spare time, she will be preparing army-size portions of food -- and driving to Home Depot and Ax Man and thrift stores for more white sheets or pirate hats or wire or whatever comes up.

Not only will her entire family be caught up in the proceedings -- the programs! the tickets! the sound system! --- by day 3, she knows that other families will too. By Friday night, the house will be teeming. There will be other parents hard at work under their child's direction (because the kids are in charge of everything regarding the set/show and the grown-ups help materialize that vision), hammering walls and eye-patching pirates.

She will be a total wreck!

And, surrounded by all this chaos and community and art her family has created? Doesn't get much better than this.

Addendum! The Matron just got a call from the set of the film Scarlett is shooting, where that child has been for seven hours. They're going longer. While writing this post, the Matron actually FORGOT about that film, which conveniently shoots during the day, this entire week.

She thinks perhaps she should take bets and money on who will crack first.